Cryptonews

And now, enter the dowdy dowager of dullness-Vanguard! That cathedral of conservative chuckleheads-has done the unthinkable: it lifted its Bitcoin ETF ban. Yes, you heard correctly. The institution that once treated crypto like a forbidden novel smuggled in a corset now flings open its marble doors to the likes of BlackRock’s IBIT, whose very name sounds like a hiccup in a symphony. Overnight, trillions (or so it felt) of sleepy retirement accounts gained access to digital gold. Volume surged past $1 billion on day one-an orgy of trades so vigorous, one could hear the servers groaning in digital ecstasy. 💼💥

Private employers decided to play the “let’s cut 32,000 jobs” game in November, according to ADP’s latest jobs report released Wednesday. And rather than causing a market panic, both Bitcoin and stocks decided to rise. Why? Perhaps because the “good news” for some means an increased likelihood of a rate cut by the Federal Reserve next Wednesday. A real plot twist, don’t you think?

The upgrade went live at slot 13,164,544-because counting to 13 million is just a Tuesday for these folks. Another milestone in Ethereum’s “I’m fine, everything’s normal” upgrade cycle. 🕒

With a casual $12 trillion in client assets (yes, trillion, not a typo-we checked thrice), Schwab plans to let its customers trade Bitcoin and Ethereum like they’re just another pair of socks in the financial drawer. After a bit of internal tinkering and a pilot phase, of course. Can’t have the wizards spilling their potion, can we?

In the latest twist, Bitwise has emerged, like a phoenix (or perhaps a slightly overzealous hedge fund manager), at the top of the heap. The most recent data, delivered with all the grace of a Wall Street pundit at a cocktail party, confirms that Bitwise has, indeed, claimed the highest trading volume for the day. Bravo, Bitwise! 👏

Armstrong was pretty vague about which banks are involved, but he warned that if they don’t start adopting crypto, they might as well get comfortable cleaning out their desks. Meanwhile, he was sharing this pearls of wisdom during a cozy chat with BlackRock’s Larry Fink. Despite their classic differences (one’s the crypto rebel, the other’s the giant of the investment world), they surprisingly agreed Bitcoin isn’t going to zero-because who wants to be that guy? Fink even sees a “use case” for Bitcoin now, although he admits it’s still riddled with “leveraged players.” Because if there’s one thing true about Bitcoin, it’s that it’s a rollercoaster with no seat belts. 🎢

The grand spectacle now centers on the December 10 FOMC gala, where the Fed may decide to cut rates by 25 basis points-a move that has traders nervously twiddling their thumbs and wondering whether they should buy more glitter or hide under the table. Will Bitcoin soar like an eagle, or just flutter its eyelids and fall softly to the ground? 🦅💸

ETF issuers Direxion, ProShares, and Tidal, those stalwarts of financial innovation, received letters from the SEC citing legal provisions under the Investment Company Act of 1940. One might say the SEC is playing the role of a strict schoolmaster, reminding these ETFs that their antics are not tolerated. 🎓

The plan? To mash up Karus’s fancy AI underwriting models with ETHZilla’s blockchain stack and create tokenized auto-loan portfolios. Yes, you read that right. Car loans. On the blockchain. 🚗⛓️ Because nothing says “future” like turning your car payment into a token. The first of these tokenized portfolios are set to drop in early 2026, so mark your calendars-or don’t, because let’s be real, you’ll forget. 📅

Instead of tiptoeing lazily into the token pond, PYUSD decided, in a fit of digital bravado, to leap over all the kiddie pools and cannonball straight into the big leagues.