They’ve got this self-custodial nonsense, meaning you’re the one holding the bag—literally your private keys. Features? Oh, plenty: zap tokens in chats, stake ’em, trade, buy USDT for free (yeah, right), and even cash out to your bank card. Seamless? Sure, until it isn’t, and you’re left wondering why you trusted an app that’s probably listening to your every keystroke. 🤦♂️
Ethereum isn’t just sitting there looking pretty (though it does that well). Institutional investors threw $2.12 billion at ETH last week, nearly doubling previous records. Fidelity’s FETH even briefly outshone BlackRock’s ETHA, pulling in $240 million in five days. It’s like watching two Wall Street bros fight over the last artisanal avocado toast. 🥑
Thus, Bitget Wallet now allows the exchange of one’s digital treasures for 25 earthly currencies—USD, EUR, GBP, AUD, and others, naturally. One may receive these funds via bank card or, for the modern individual, PayPal. A rather convenient arrangement, sparing us the indignity of relying on those rather… centralized exchanges. All can be managed, you see, within the cozy confines of the Bitget Wallet itself.
Profusa Inc. (Nasdaq: PFSA), a company that previously made sense, has now announced it’s joining the crypto hype train with a $100 million equity line of credit from Ascent Partners. Because nothing says “financial security” like betting your lunch money on a digital coin that’s crashed 80% before. 💸
Announced with all the urgency of a Siberian blizzard, PNC’s move leverages Coinbase’s “Crypto-as-a-Service” platform, a marvel of modern capitalism where banks and tech giants exchange favors like medieval barons swapping grain for gold. Clients may now buy, sell, and hoard their digital dreams, all while the bank quietly offers Coinbase its own banking services. A symbiotic dance of mutual exploitation, no doubt. 💸
The wallet operates on the mysterious and somewhat scandalous The Open Network (TON) blockchain. Yes, the same one that Telegram’s founders had to abandon back in 2020 because, you know, regulatory issues. But hey, out of sight, out of mind, right? Independent developers kept the dream alive, and now Telegram has teamed up with The Open Platform (TOP) to bring this marvel to the masses. 🚀
After flirting with $3,812 on July 22—a high since the days when your grandmother still called crypto “witchcraft”—Ethereum’s rally tripped over its own petticoats. Nine days of gains collapsed into a 1.9% decline, leaving traders clutching pearls over the $3,650 “critical support” zone. How dramatic. 🎭
According to an announcement on X, the tournament will be the first for Valhalla, with gamers offered a prize pool of $75,000. While the Floki (FLOKI) team plans to release details of when the event drops later, it has hinted at a mega grand prize of $25,000 for one winner. If you’re thinking, “That’s a lot of money for a game where I pretend to be a Viking,” well, you’re not wrong. But hey, who doesn’t love a good loot hoard? 🗡️💰
But let us not be fooled by appearances. For DevvStream, this is no mere dalliance with the digital. They have appointed BitGo as their qualified custodian, a role akin to the keeper of the Holy Grail, and brought in FRNT Financial as a digital asset advisor, a sage whose wisdom is said to rival that of Solomon himself. This move, my dear reader, signals a deliberate dance between the virtuous ESG mandates and the seductive allure of programmable finance.
While the broader crypto market yawns and stretches, XRP, that sly little beast, gallops through the altcoin fields with 21% weekly gains. Analysts, those modern-day soothsayers, whisper of a $6 target. Three charts, like three witches, conspire to reveal a future where XRP’s price soars. Is it a prophecy or a fever dream? Only time will tell. 🌟🔮
