Cryptonews

Things have been pretty calm in crypto lately, but that doesn’t mean there hasn’t been *some* movement. I’ve noticed a few altcoins getting a boost from speculation, and Friday it was all about AI. NEAR Protocol really jumped, up almost 29% in the last day, and Fetch.ai wasn’t far behind with a gain of over 11%. It’s good to see *something* exciting happen, even if it’s just a short-term pump.

Western Orthopaedics, P.C. (because “Western Ortho” sounds like a trendy yoga studio) claims an “unauthorized third party” snuck into their network between September 17th and 25th, 2025. The firm didn’t notice until October 2nd, which is basically a modern-day detective story where the detective’s coffee went cold.

The charts, they say, confirm the “smart money” positioning. Bull flags, channel breakouts-oh, the drama! But who are we to trust? The whales, those leviathans of the crypto sea, or the SEC, that bureaucratic sphinx? Perhaps both, perhaps neither. Gogol would chuckle at such folly.

“The masses are but pawns,” Hayes intoned, his voice dripping with the sarcasm of a man who has seen the abyss. “Armstrong’s heart beats not for the crypto faithful, but for the golden calves of Wall Street.”

Apparently, the order is supposed to prep workers, small businesses, and communities for the AI apocalypse. Because, you know, nothing says “future-proof” like a committee of universities, economists, and industry execs brainstorming over cold coffee.

Did someone say “institutional confidence”? Sure, Coinbase is just a bunch of guys in a room yelling “HODL!” but hey, if they’re buying ATOM, it must be a good investment. Or maybe they’re just trying to pad their resume for the next job interview: “I once owned a cryptocurrency. It was… deep breath… a learning experience.”

According to the ever-vigilant crypto journalist, Miss Eleanor Terrett, the CLARITY Act must now vie for attention amidst a crowded Senate docket, sharing the stage with reconciliation talks, FISA debates, and a housing bill that has already secured the House’s favor. Pray tell, can our senators manage such a feat without descending into chaos?

By midday Hong Kong time, per CoinDesk’s records, bitcoin was trading near $77,733 – barely a hairsbreadth different from its price 24 hours prior – after slumping as low as $76,685 earlier, and proving once again that it lacks the spine to hold above the $78,000 threshold during the raucous U.S. trading session, as if it shrinks from the noise and bluster of Wall Street’s most overexcited traders.

The crypto markets, ever the faithful mirror of human folly, have been in decline all week. $50 billion has fled this digital Potemkin village, as Bitcoin, that golden calf of the modern age, continues its inexorable march toward the abyss. Positive news, like a whisper in a hurricane, goes unnoticed, drowned out by the macroeconomic storm clouds that gather on the horizon. The investors, poor souls, cower beneath their umbrellas of fear, their eyes fixed on the sky, awaiting the inevitable deluge.

To partake, one must brave the Pi Browser, log in with their Pi account (a feat as thrilling as a duel with a spoon), and enter the Pi ELF section. There, they may stroll through a virtual landscape as if it were a noble’s garden, though the true test lies in resisting the urge to shout, “Where hath my CidiScore fled?”