According to a press release shared with crypto.news on August 6, Satsuma Technology PLC has closed its latest fundraising round with £163.6 million ($217.6 million) in commitments, which is 63% above its original target. I mean, who doesn’t love exceeding expectations? It’s like getting a surprise bonus at work, except this bonus is in Bitcoin and not just a gift card to Starbucks.
Yes, dear reader, this isn’t just another blockchain; it’s the first aligned with Cardano to promise-hold onto your hats-instant transaction finality! A cheeky little assurance that your transaction is dead-set in the stone, no take-backs. Imagine that. No more nervous waiting, no more doubting whether your Bitcoin really went to the moon. And the best part? It’s ten times faster than Cardano’s main net, with a spectacular 13 seconds to reach finality – faster than you can say “blockchain revolution,” accompanied by a report from the esteemed Duncan Coutts and a team of brilliant co-founders. 👀
Ladies and gentlemen, behold the latest farce in the grand theater of finance! The UK’s Satsuma Technology, a troupe of digital alchemists, has just secured a monstrous sum of $217.6 million-paid, of course, in Bitcoin, as if the sacred cow of finance needed more glitter. 🐎✨ ParaFi, Kraken, and their merry band of investors, in … Read more
Our dear Marsha, never one to shy away from a spot of financial derring-do, has been banging the drum for America’s ambitious plan to snap up 1 million Bitcoin. Quite the crypto enthusiast, she is, and no mistake. One can almost picture her tapping away on her telegraph machine (or whatever the modern equivalent is), rallying the troops with her pro-crypto battle cry. 💻
According to Santiment, wallets holding at least one billion DOGE made a purchase so large it could make your head spin-over 1.1 billion coins were added between August 5 and 6. That’s one of the biggest jumps in whale accumulation since… well, since the last time something this big happened. The wallets moved from 71.6 billion DOGE to a nice, round 72.7 billion. Talk about buying in bulk.
Imagine, if you will, a world where wallets are no longer the quiet refuges of digital treasures but active engines of decision, pulsing with purpose-D’CENT, a device that dares to challenge the very notion of security as the final goal. But what is security without action? A dead monument. Dostoevsky might chuckle at our obsession-are we the pawns, or the players in this grand, labyrinthine game of trust and treachery? Perhaps both, as the lines blur more with each passing year.
According to the SEC, ten crypto exchanges are currently operating in the country with all the subtlety of a bull in a china shop-and none of the required registration under the new rules that came into effect on July 5, 2025. Investors using these platforms might as well toss their funds into a volcano for all the legal recourse they’ll have if things go pear-shaped. And let’s face it, when crypto is involved, things often do.
The swelling crypto coffers of these upstanding institutions now cheerfully hoard Solana alongside the more mature and battle-scarred duo, Bitcoin and Ethereum. Defi Development Corp-a public company, mind you, with the sort of tie-wearing seriousness one expects at funerals and board meetings-has, in a dazzling demonstration of confidence (or perhaps just boredom), procured a lump sum of SOL for its treasury.
The CFTC, that stately guardian of commodity dreams, has launched “Crypto Sprint”-one imagines an Olympian dash made mostly of paperwork-aiming to let spot crypto contracts prance freely on futures exchanges that meet their approval. The term “sprint” is, of course, relative; regulators measure time by geological eras, not stopwatches.
You see, a VPN creates a secret tunnel-a point-to-point path-where your personal data is encrypted faster than a jackrabbit on a hot griddle. This allows one to sneak past the watchful eyes of Internet Service Providers (ISPs) who are keen on logging every click you make, ready to sell it off to the highest bidder. Oh, if only they’d sell their common sense instead! 😂
