Cryptonews

And in case you think this is just another fad, think again. Dogecoin’s making waves—up 70% since early 2024—and it’s got the whales and retail traders all jittery. Everyone wants a piece of the pie, even institutions are pretending they understand it (looking at you, Grayscale). The volume’s still over a billion daily, so it’s primed for another pop—just don’t expect it to stay pretty for long, because chaos is the name of the game. @StonkChris’s take? It’s about to explode, like that time you overdid it at the gym and regretted everything.

For Back, the matter is as simple as a village fool’s arithmetic: spend your fiat first, if you have it. If not, borrow. And if you must touch your BTC, replace it—or a smidgen more—and carry on. No drama, no fanfare, just the mechanical precision of a clockmaker. 🕰️

Ethereum, our beloved digital darling, is basking in the limelight today—up by a resounding 3.89%. Such a rise! One might think the blockchain gods are smiling upon us. Or perhaps just hungry for attention. 😏

This mega payday lands right as Tesla’s core electric vehicle business is…let’s say, napping. The world’s most meme-able CEO now has his eyes set on robotaxis and humanoid robots—the kind of project management that screams, “I grew bored halfway through making rocket ships on Saturdays.”

So, is Pi going open source next month?

Old Kyren, a crypto analyst on X, called July “a big one for $ONDO,” what with the launch of Ondo Catalyst (backed by Pantera Capital, no less), the acquisitions of Strangelove and Oasis Pro, and a nod in a White House report. He’s convinced August will be an “EXPLOSION,” though one can’t help but wonder if he’s been dipping into the sherry. 🍷

Now, slap on your government-issue sunglasses, because the White House has parachuted into the chat with a shiny new crypto policy report. Even better, $RLUSD’s market cap is now so plump it could probably afford avocados on toast without flinching. (Millennials rejoice.)

And who should lead this merry band of bargain hunters but the ever-dramatic Robert Kiyosaki? In a tweet that could rival one of my own quips, he boldly predicts BTC will tumble to $90,000. Not entirely mad, mind you—history does have a penchant for repeating itself, especially in August. It’s almost as if Bitcoin has an annual appointment with chaos. 📅📉

The question arrives like a storm cloud as IBM unveils its new quantum leviathan, Blue Jay, a bird with 2,000 qubit feathers set to flap into existence by 2033. One might call it a “quantum parrot,” if parrots could solve NP-hard problems. 🦜💥

And it’s not like this was a one-time faceplant. The platform’s revenue has been on a downward spiral all year, dropping to $90 million in February, then $37 million in March, and finally faceplanting in July. 📉 Someone get this protocol a parachute! 🪂