Cryptonews

Solana [SOL], that shimmering digital phoenix, appears to be losing altitude, yet the seasoned tombstone decorators—er, long-term holders—are not only unfazed but are shopping gleefully in the chaos. Instead of fleeing like frightened rats, they’re piling in, probably chuckling as the prices tumble.
As most other sellers realize they just lost a game of musical chairs, the brave (or foolish) hold steady, perhaps waiting for the inevitable bounce—because the universe loves a good comeback plot. 🎭

Ah, August—a month of sweltering heat and equally scorching losses in the crypto world. Last week, Bitcoin, that digital golden calf, stumbled mightily, breaking free from its $117,000–$120,000 comfort zone. A 4% weekly drop? Mere child’s play. Some altcoins plunged over 15%, as if competing in a race to the bottom. 🏎️

Turns out, banks love throwing around more zeros than a Kardashian at a vanity fair—think rounds worth a hundred million or more. Over four years, they participated in 33 of these “mega-rounds,” investing in everything from trading infrastructure to tokens, custody—basically just throwing money at anything that sounds cool. The shining star? Brazil’s CloudWalk, which scooped up a staggering $750 million in two rounds—because apparently, they didn’t think the first try was enough. And in Germany, Solaris grabbed over $100 million from SBI, before becoming a takeover snack. Yum! 🍪

Prosecutors claim Woeltz and his sidekick, William Duplessie, kidnapped an Italian crypto trader named Michael Valentino Teofrasto Carturan. Translation: someone with a name that sounds like a Renaissance painting and enough Bitcoin to make a small country jealous. Allegedly, the duo tortured him for 17 days to steal a password worth $100 million. That’s right—$100 million. Not chicken nuggets. Not a house. BITCOIN.

Behold! Trader Rai has shared a chart that reads more like a Shakespearean tragedy than a trading setup. LINKUSDT.P executed what can only be described as a perfectly choreographed short trade, descending from the lofty heights of $17.50 to bow humbly before the take-profit altar at $16.60. Alas, poor LINK could not hold above its previous resistance structure, retreating instead with all the grace of a cat falling off a windowsill 🐱.

Operation Chokepoint 2.0 went out like yesterday’s meatloaf, but did you think the banks would just roll over? Please. They whipped up Chokepoint 3.0—now with extra hidden charges for every little move—like buying a cup of coffee and being charged for the cup, the sleeve, and the existential dread.

He fires off this beauty while everyone’s talking about revamping Twitter or whatever. Instead of, I dunno, talking about actual crypto stuff, he decides to drop this gem. Because nothing screams leadership like a hot take on communities. Or maybe he just doesn’t like people. Who can say? 🤷‍♂️

According to the latest trading disclosures (which probably took longer to read than the trades themselves), Ark Invest scooped up 94,678 shares of Coinbase (COIN)—worth about $29.8 million—across three of its funds. These include the ARK Innovation ETF (ARKK), ARK Next Generation Internet ETF (ARKW), and ARK Fintech Innovation ETF (ARKF). Talk about diversification!

Pump.fun [PUMP] started rising like a bird on a spring morning after falling 67% from its all-time high—bless its little memecoin heart. It’s got itself a clean breakout and some whale-sized interest, so maybe this old dog still has a few tricks up its sleeve.

It all kicked off with the kind of move everyone hopes they’ll never face—an insidious SIM swap attack that let this young prodigy sideline a crypto investor’s phone number, giving him unfettered access to a treasure trove of digital gold: 1,547 BTC and 60,000 Bitcoin Cash, valued at a cool $37 million—on a good day. Apparently, using two-factor authentication is just optional in some circles. Then he went full master criminal, laundering the loot through a ridiculously complicated maze of transactions designed to make even the most seasoned detective’s head spin.