Enter Kalshi, that cheeky betting chappie over at X (née Twitter), shouting “CRYPTO BANNED!” in all caps louder than a toddler at a nap time protest 🚨. First Squawk joined the chaos like it was Black Friday sales. The headline? A masterpiece of panic: “CAPITAL FLIGHT! ENVIRONMENTAL DOOM!” Views? 800k. Accuracy? Zero. 🤷♂️
As of August , Ethereum is trading around $,, which is roughly the price of a fancy dinner for two 🍴. But what’s really interesting is that it’s bounced back from the EMA on the daily chart, a bullish indication if I ever saw one 🐂. And those multiple weekly moving averages? They’re like a layered defense system, protecting Ethereum from any significant damage 🛡️.
Liz Ann Sonders, chief investment strategist at Charles Schwab and someone who probably knows more about money than most of us will ever see, dropped some wisdom on the Excess Returns YouTube channel. She says investors are oddly comforted by a Fed that acts like your stubborn uncle at Thanksgiving dinner: unmoved by political pressure (even from President Trump) and laser-focused on its mandate of low inflation and maximum employment. Who knew stubbornness could be so endearing? 🦺
On the first day of August, the likelihood that the Federal Reserve—who are to interest rates what stern governesses are to unruly children—would in September slash those rates, leapt to 80%. Only days earlier, the chance had been about as skinny as the honest man’s wallet after a night at the Moscow clubs: down by 20%. Bitcoin, ever the mistress to chance, thrilled at this new hope.
Peirce herself, armed with a notepad and (we imagine) a measure of resignation, leads these efforts. She seeks the voices buried beneath stacks of regulation—a Dostoyevskian cast of little-known, barely-funded entrepreneurial souls. The chosen are under two years old and number fewer than ten. “Why only these?” you ask. Because, dear reader, those with too many employees are already lost to the halls of Congress.
Now, their settlement infrastructure is like a buffet of currencies and chains. Stellar and Avalanche are joining the party along with Ethereum and Solana. It’s a blockchain bonanza! 🎉
This calamity began with an enchanted ERC-20 approval, conjured, no doubt, by the wiles of a nefarious phishing specter or the promise of a dubiously generous airdrop. Thus, the rogue wallet, named “0x67E5Ae,” was handed keys to the safe—permanently. One can almost hear the villain twirling his digital moustache.
Now, let’s talk numbers, shall we? Data from Farside (bless their hearts) shows VanEck, Bitwise, and Grayscale leading the day’s ETH ETF outflows with $47.7 million, $40.3 million, and $37.2 million, respectively. That’s more money than a catfish convention! Other issuers like 21Shares, Fidelity, Franklin Templeton, ProShares, and Coinbase also saw redemptions faster than a politician changing their story. But BlackRock? Oh, they’re sitting pretty, signaling they’re in this for the long haul—like a hound dog after a rabbit. 🐶🐇
July, it seems, was the month when Bitcoin’s price decided to play nice, giving miners a much-needed pat on the back (and their wallets). According to the wise sages at theblock.co, our intrepid miners pulled in a whopping $1.66 billion—a 19.42% leap from June’s mere $1.39 billion. Not bad for a month’s work, eh? 🤑⛏️
The saga unfolds thus: LuBian, at number six on the big-league miners’ leaderboard, enjoyed all the prestige one could want—until December 28, 2020, when an enterprising ne’er-do-well nipped in and filched 90% of their BTC. In a desperate bid to stop further calamity, LuBian scooped up what was left—some 11,886 BTC—and stuffed it into “recovery wallets.” Picture a frantic squirrel hoarding the last few acorns as the winter wind howls. 💸
