Currently, ETH pirouettes at a stratospheric $3,862, a commendable ascent from its July 1 opening blush of $2,468, as chronicled by that reliable oracle, CoinGecko. Apparently, the summer of ’23 has decided to baffle skeptics and rekindle aspirations of old Silicon Valley grandeur, or perhaps just buttering bread for crypto’s breadwinner – the investors.
To unpack the mystery — and I do mean mystery, because even the best detective shows couldn’t keep up — here’s what went down: LOKA surged invigoratingly, reaching a high of $0.82 (which is basically the crypto equivalent of climbing Mount Everest in slippers). But alas! It tumbled to $0.30 faster than a cat knocking over a glass of water. And the trading volume? Well, it skyrocketed over 10,000% to an eye-watering $32.4 million. Somebody’s been busy counting zeros! 💰
In a brand-spanking-new YouTube update, Gromen’s got his crystal ball out, and he says the US is gonna tackle its monstrous $36 trillion debt by doing what it does best: printing more money. The twist? This doesn’t make the dollar stronger—oh no, it debases the poor thing. So, forget about Treasury yields. If the government keeps going down this road, it’s all about inflating the dollar into oblivion.
On the momentous day of July 30 – a day that also marked the illustrious decennium of Ethereum – the North Carolina-based enterprise proclaimed a sweeping strategic metamorphosis, aligning its fortunes with the burgeoning trend of corporate courtship of digital assets, notably the enigmatic Ether (ETH).
The last act saw BTC plunge from a lofty $119,000 to a modest $115,000 in mere hours—pennies in the grand scheme, but enough to make the old-timers’ hair turn gray (if they had any left). A Satoshi-era whale—an OG, for those who speak fluent Bitcoin—cashed out like a retiree on a cruise. Yet, the market? Barely a ripple! As if saying, “Go ahead, dump your treasure, little fish. We’re strong—more mature than a bottle of fine vodka.”
Blackrock dropped their latest chuckle-worthy market musings on July 28, basically screaming that digital doodads are crashing the mainstream party, and stablecoins are now the official gatecrashers of the financial world. 😏
The new department will keep an eye on digital tokens, especially won-pegged stablecoins and related rules. Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that stablecoins are as stable as a jellyfish in a hurricane. 🐙 At the same time, the bank is renaming its Digital Currency Research Lab to the Digital Currency Lab on July 31, 2025, and shuffling staff to run token tests. Because nothing says “innovation” like changing a name and pretending it’s a breakthrough. 😎
Ah, dear reader! Pray lend thy ear: The capricious Kraken, a crypto bazaar of some notoriety, now seeks $500 million from the coffers of the eager, desirous to be appraised at a richly comedic sum of $15 billion. So murmureth the busybodies from The Information, ever with their noses pressed to the glass of financiers’ banquets. Compare this to the pauperish valuation of $11 billion in 2022—a mere trifle, a crumb on Fortune’s ample table! Our rascally exchange thus readies for a public offering—a promenade down Wall Street’s catwalk—heralded for none other than the first act of the year 2026. Who says ambition is dead? Nay, it drinks espresso. ☕️
By some cosmic convergence, this lurch toward cryptodom places Fundamental Global (soon, in a rare display of corporate wit, to be rechristened “FG Nexus”—one can only assume the initials stand for Fondly Gullible) alongside such forward-thinking entities as… other companies buying Ether before it was cool. The press release—an art form in itself—promises “multiple value drivers,” which appear to include staking, tokenized things that once existed in the real world, and presumably a free trip to Davos if you say ‘blockchain’ enough times in one sentence.
It transformed from a celebrated collection that nearly flamed out into a brand-building powerhouse, all thanks to a community-led coup and a savvy new owner. Or, as the ancients might say, “A penguin’s revenge is a dish best served with a side of tokenomics.” 🦆💸
