Cryptonews

The Bitcoin chappies are all atwitter about a spiffing short squeeze, what with liquidity piling up like Aunt Agatha’s tea cups. 🍵💰

Here we go.

In the vast and tumultuous ocean of modern finance, where the tides of greed and fear ebb and flow with merciless precision, a tempest has risen. Alas, the noble endeavors of leveraged traders have been dashed against the rocks of reality. Ethereum, that once-proud steed, bore the brunt of this chaos, its riders losing $152.78M as if to a wolf in sheep’s clothing. XRP, too, stumbled, its $88.58M vanishing like smoke in the wind. Even Bitcoin, the old titan, could not escape unscathed, shedding $65.29M as if to mock the hubris of its devotees. One might ask: what madness led to this carnage? A mere 3.6% dip in ETH and a 6% plunge in XRP? Ah, but in this realm, even a whisper of doubt is a cannonball. The analysts, those modern-day prophets, shrug and mutter about “high leverage” and “lack of catalysts”—as if such platitudes could soothe the wounded souls of traders now nursing their wounds over lukewarm tea. 🤡

As the U.S. tiptoes toward digital asset regulations with the grace of a drunkard, Tether’s expansion plans read like a Shakespearean tragedy penned by a man who’s forgotten the plot. Ardoino, in a recent interview that could have been titled “How to Sound Important While Saying Nothing,” insisted the company has no intention of going public. A bold claim, considering their entire existence hinges on the illusion of stability. “Our focus is on progress,” he intoned, as if “progress” were a moral virtue rather than a desperate bid to avoid scrutiny. One can almost hear the sound of crickets in the background, chirping, “Sure, Paolo. And I’m the next Bond.” 🎩

Meanwhile, in the shadows, Bitcoin spot ETFs stumbled, gasping for breath as they endured a net outflow of about $86 million. Three straight days of outflows? Ouch! It seems Bitcoin ETFs are the tragic clowns of this financial circus, 🎭 eliciting both sympathy and laughter from the audience. Institutional interest in Ethereum shines brighter than ever, while Bitcoin ETFs… well, they’re just trying to keep their hats from falling off. 🧢

However, to partake in this merriment, eligible claim holders must ensure their names are inscribed on the list by August 15—one must not dally! Time is of the essence, as they say, or one may find themselves with naught but regrets! 💔 So far, our beloved FTX has already sprinkled around a remarkable $6.2 billion to its former patrons—surely, a sum that could make even the most stoic banker weep! 💸

Having failed to break free from the glamorous heights above $3,850, Ethereum has, like a well-trained performer, succumbed to the siren call of correction—truly a sight to behold. As it haphazardly treads downward, the darling has slipped below cherished support levels of $3,800 and $3,770.

The official reason? The proposal was “consistent with Section 6(b)(5) of the Exchange Act” because it supposedly prevents fraud, promotes fair trading, and protects investors and the public. Yeah, sure, because nothing says “trust me” like freezing an ETF you just approved. 🙄

The investigation escalated when the FBI staged a dramatic raid on Powell’s Los Angeles abode, carting off dozens of devices in what could only be described as a tech enthusiast’s worst nightmare. The raid, which turned heads faster than a crypto whale crashing a bull market, was part of the Biden administration’s broader crackdown on the sector. But fear not, dear reader, for Powell’s electronics have since been returned, and he claims they hold the smoking gun to his innocence. 🖥️🔫

Tony Severino—apparently a guy who spends more time doodling charts than hanging out at the bar—claims that Bitcoin’s current chart is nothing short of a roller coaster ride. According to him, we’re in an “intermediate Wave 4 Expanded Flat correction” (whatever that means) and might be nearing the end of wave B. And if history is any indication, that always precedes a steep drop in wave C. It’s like he’s saying, “Oh, sorry, folks. Wave B always ends with a crash, just like your last relationship!”