Cryptonews

It is, perhaps, a comedy of errors-or a tragedy-when a nation, once wealthy in black gold, now tries to sell its riches in bits and bytes. The clever economist Asdrubal Oliveros, with a twinkle in his eye and a shrug, proclaims that nearly 80% of all the Venezuelan oil-yes, the stuff that once fueled the world-is now paid for with USDT. Who needs the old-fashioned dollar or euro when one can settle debts with a stablecoin that’s perhaps more stable than the government itself?

In a recent X post that screamed “look how responsible we are!”, UXLINK vowed to spend a chunk of monthly profits buying back at least 1% of its token supply. These tokens will then be tucked into Strategic Reserves™️-a fancy term for “we’re hoarding them until we figure out what to do with our life choices.”

Now, let’s talk about this USD1 from World Liberty Financial. With a $2.72 billion market cap and the Treasury’s backing, it’s like the stablecoin equivalent of a trusty dwarf with a crossbow-reliable, if a bit dull. And it’s all under BitGo custody, which is just a fancy way of saying “we’ve got a dragon guarding the gold.” 🐉

This whole debacle is being led by Republican Representative Mike Carey. Like, who coordinates a group like this? They’re urgently asking for some clarity because, you know, taxes are confusing enough without adding a bunch of technical blockchain stuff.

Ah, the bullish bitcoin bets with marvelous borrowed funds continue to sprout like weeds on Bitfinex, that ancient bastion of cryptocurrency trading. 🏰

These unlocks could send your portfolio into a tizzy of volatility and price swings. Here’s the tea on what’s brewing:

Binance, now under the watchful eye of the U.S. Justice Department, allowed hundreds of millions to flow through flagged accounts post-settlement. The leaked data, spanning 2021-2025, reads like a choose-your-own-adventure book titled How to Get Away With It (Mostly). 📖

According to Timmer, Bitcoin’s price history dances to a four-year beat, like a polka at a bar mitzvah. Past peaks? Followed by corrections so steep, they’d make the Alps jealous-70% to 85% drops! 🏔️💎 Remember 2013? $1,137 to $230. 2017? $14,050 to $3,415. It’s like a rollercoaster designed by a sadist-or a genius, depending on your perspective. 🤪

According to a statement posted on what used to be Twitter, Senator Lummis has decided being a Senator is a bit much, energy-wise. It’s about the same energy you’d expect from digging up actual gold. Speaking of which, Wyoming has seemingly been the sole focus in her time in office.

The esteemed HyperLiquid Labs, purveyor of decentralized futures, has lately found itself embroiled in the sort of scandal that would make even Lady Whistledown blush. In a statement dripping with the gravity of a magistrate’s decree, the exchange proclaimed its employees strictly forbidden from dabbling in HYPE derivatives-lest they be tempted by confidential information, a vice most unbecoming.