Cryptonews

If the divine hand deigned to reveal a closer cousin to the entangled legacy of the Russian duel than to the orderly clockwork of the modern mortgage, it would surely be the United States Senate’s latest foray into the cryptic cosmos. Lawmakers, with all the urgency of scribes in the Age of Empires, labor to discern the proper frame of governance for those elusive, electrified tokens that dance across screens at the whim of algorithms. The Senate Banking Committee, in its infinite wisdom, now weighs a framework that may yet determine whether the sovereign child of the blockchain shall be shepherded or shunned by the twin titans of the SEC and CFTC-a fracas that has left even the most ardent Wall Street enthusiasts scratching their heads in bewilderment. 🐀

Crypto analyst BagCalls on X has pointed out that Solana’s memecoin mania and Degen energy culture define the project. This is where SolsticeFi steps in, building a native stablecoin and yield infrastructure. It’s like the financial version of a superhero cape, but with more yield farming. 🦸‍♂️🧙‍♂️

The goldbug’s lament? A 32% slide against his beloved metal since August, which he claims proves crypto’s “brutal” bear market. 🐛

In a rather shocking revelation, an investigation by the Financial Times unearthed the staggering truth: The Trump family’s crypto operations have brought in a cool billion (pre-tax, naturally). The kind of number that makes the rest of us question every life decision that didn’t involve digital coins with absurd names. 🤑

It appears that Mr. Bitcoin doth find some mercenary support beneath the lofty sum of $107,000, yet this fleeting relief rally shall undoubtedly be bartered away for a prettier price. How droll that enthusiasm must ever yield to avarice! 😂

At DC Fintech Week, which sounds like a wacky convention for people who think money is a magic trick, Garlinghouse waved his wand (or is it a spreadsheet?) and declared that crypto companies face stricter reviews than a toddler in a candy store. Even when they follow the *exact* same rules as banks-like Anti-Money Laundering (AML), Know Your Customer (KYC), and Office of Foreign Assets Control (OFAC)-they’re treated like mischievous muppets. 🧙‍♂️

It appears the devs are finally getting their act together-prioritizing scaling and efficiency, with their latest innovation, Pico Prism, pushing real-world asset (RWA) tokenization to a jaw-dropping $12 billion. Talk about forward-thinking!

Enter Maelstrom, Arthur Hayes’ high-stakes, daredevil family office. This is the place where they don’t just talk about big numbers; they go after them. They’re raising a modest (read: ambitious) $250 million for their debut fund. The plan, as Bloomberg so kindly informed us on October 17, 2025, is to buy out crypto infrastructure and services companies that are either distressed or underappreciated. Basically, they want to snap up companies at a discount before the rest of the world realizes how valuable they are. Talk about having an eye for gold!

The Crypto Fear & Greed Index is at 28. That’s “extreme fear” territory. Last time it was this low, I think someone left the milk out. 🥛🤦‍♂️

XRP/USD is currently performing a interpretive dance of despair, having dropped 5.82% in the last day. Someone clearly needs to teach this asset about the concept of “holding steady.” 🤷♂️