Cryptonews

Only last January, President Trump (gold lettering optional) pointed an accusatory orange finger at BofA, declaiming on high that:

Three very short, but eventful, months after waving a not-so-teary farewell to its beloved auto financing unit (who needs cars when you can chase their weight in digital gold?), Cango’s machinery is whirring day and night, producing more Bitcoin than an idle government printer churns out regulations. Word on the street (or at least from those clever Farside Investors folks) is that in July, Cango mined 650.5 Bitcoin. In case you’re not quick on your math-that’s 200.5 more digital nuggets than last month. Farside, in a dramatic display of tough love, bumped up Cango on its fancy miner dashboard and dropped Hut 8, presumably for failing to send postcards.

Where’s it all going? Straight to the rumor mill, that’s where. Everyone is now an on-chain sleuth or a panic-yield farmer in the comments: “They’re reshuffling custody!” “No, they’re cashing out-run!” Translation: nobody has a scooby, but the memes are on fire. Meanwhile, ETH slipped from $3,734 down to $3,570 faster than you can say, “Wait, is this another Tuesday?” Still only 1.81% though-market behaving like it skipped its morning espresso ☕️.

Villaverde, as recounted in the curious chronicles of Weiss Crypto-surely a name for future generations to ponder-declared with some ceremony that there exists an “overlooked asset class,” an instrument so ignored by the lustful legions of crypto devotees that its quiet meanderings could foretell the storms ahead. Not the market’s thunderous now, but the silent murmurings six moons out, enough time to pen a novel, lose a fortune, or buy back in at twice the price. He claimed-between dispatches of “X” threads and the sips of strong, calculating coffee-that his private calculations revealed a market signal as ancient as greed itself, but cloaked in obscurity even Satoshi would envy.

They’re loud and proud-announcing to the world that they’re here to give their clients a head start, a sneak peek into a brave new future where SUI isn’t just yesterday’s news but a star ascending with the speed of a gossip in a small town. The promise? Early, compliant access to disruptive tech. So brace yourselves – staking is coming soon, because why not keep the money working while everyone else is still scratching their heads?

What was once a crescendo of bullish fervor in July has now been drowned in the cacophony of panic. The iShares ETH Trust ETF (ETHA), BlackRock’s pride, bled $375 million, while Fidelity’s FETH and Grayscale’s ETH trembled under the weight of their own hubris, shedding tens of millions like autumn leaves.

Surprisingly, this illustrious round was not a solo act. Big names like Coinbase Ventures, Pantera Capital, Ribbit Capital, and Sequoia China lent their support, as if to say, “Yes, we too believe in robots-just not the kind that might replace us.” While Pi’s grand scheme to deploy $100 million for projects with “real-world utility” sounds innocuous enough, it appears the real utility might be in watching sci-fi unfold before our very eyes.

The mastermind behind Trump’s recent flirtation with Bitcoin spilled on X that this PAC’s goal is to lock Bitcoin in the mainstream psyche-because what’s more inspiring than turning currency into an arm of political power? Think of it as a crypto rally on steroids, with a dash of political ambition and a splash of chaos. 🚀

Bloomberg, ever the gossip, spilled the beans: Figure’s IPO filing is as public as a private diary left open on a café table. 📖☕ The S-1 Form, a mere formality, hints at a debut in the second half of 2025-a date as distant as the dreams of early Bitcoin miners. Shares? Price range? Still undetermined, much like the fate of most crypto ventures. 🤷♂️

This Tokyo titan isn’t just dipping its toes; it’s diving headfirst into the crypto pool, turning heads and raising eyebrows as it stacks Bitcoin like a boss. Meanwhile, the everyday investor? They’re busy chasing donuts or meme stocks, probably missing out on the real magic. 🤷‍♂️