Cryptonews

Now, BitMine’s Ethereum portfolio is bigger than your ex’s Instagram followers. 3 million ETH? That’s enough to buy a small island, a yacht, and a lifetime supply of existential dread. 🏝️🚤

Monad is, indeed, gearing up for one of the most anticipated token launches of the year. You’ve heard it before, but this time, they’re serious. The Layer-1 blockchain project has opened its MON airdrop portal, and now it’s your time to shine-or at least check if you’re eligible. 🕵️‍♀️

In a Tuesday tiffin-time announcement, the regulator chirped that this initiative is all about “providing clarity” and “driving innovation.” 🧐 Because, let’s face it, nothing says innovation like turning your assets into digital confetti! Simon Walls, the FCA’s markets maestro, declared, “Tokenization could shake up asset management like a snow globe in a toddler’s hands!” ❄️✨

Ah, but what of hope? Some altcoins have dared to rise from their graves, yet the recovery is like a flickering candle in a hurricane. It’s just not enough to undo the damage, leaving the poor DATs more uncertain than ever. Where is the light at the end of this tunnel, you ask? Let’s dive into the murky waters of these financial miseries.

BNB, that capricious creature, flirts with correction but waltzes to a bullish tune. 🕺💹

Imagine this: Binance Coin (BNB) took a dive so deep, it almost hit the Earth’s core, falling 31% on Friday and nearly breaking through the 100-day SMA. It was like watching your favorite character get killed off in a show you’ve invested way too much time in. 😱 BUT then, BNB decided to pull a Houdini and make a comeback, rising faster than your phone battery percentage when you plug it in at 1%. In fact, it even hit a new all-time high, because why not? If you’re going to fall, might as well get back up in style, right?

The broader crypto market is still scraping itself off the floor, but DOGE decided to go a little up. The problem? The recovery might be more of a tiny blip on the radar than a full-blown resurrection. Here’s why.

Well, privacy is hot right now, and Zcash is wearing the coolest sunglasses. 😎

As if we didn’t already have enough to do, several asset managers have submitted their ETF applications. With deadlines looming like the sword of Damocles, the XRP ETF and the Solana (SOL) ETF have emerged as prime contenders. Why? Well, they are enjoying a surge of liquidity and an increasing love affair from investors. 🤷‍♂️

As for custodying crypto? Pah! That’s off the table-metaphorically and likely physically. Mr. Lucas, ever the diplomat, fibbed rather drolly that custody is “not on the horizon near-term,” as if the term “horizon” here implies somewhere beyond the moon and a plate of scones. A wise man once said, “Bingo! Not quite yet, old bean.”