PeckShield looked into the digital carnage and calculated that July’s total losses hit $142 million, up from June’s mere $111.6 million. Seventeen hacks, with most of the action clustered in just five incidents. If you run a crypto platform and didn’t get hacked, I suppose that’s your newsletter win for the month. 🏆
Licensed by the Astana Financial Services Authority (AFSA), a name that sounds like a bureaucratic fairy tale, C&E claims to shield you from the labyrinth of regulations. It operates on a SaaS model, which is to say, it’s the Uber of crypto exchanges: you don’t own the car, but you sure ride in it. Up and running in days? Why, yes, even the most inept entrepreneur can now pretend to be a tech genius.
Behold, the list of orators, each a titan in their own right, and what to anticipate from their lofty speeches. 🎤
The stage was set: a long Bitcoin position, a bet on the eternal bull, a dance with the devil himself. But the market, that fickle mistress, had other plans. Tariffs loomed like storm clouds, and the Federal Reserve, ever the silent specter, withheld its mercy. The pullback came, swift and merciless, and AguilaTrades, once a titan, was reduced to ashes. 🌪️💔
Meanwhile, the global crypto market cap has shrunk a tad to $3.85 trillion — which is roughly the combined ego of a dozen influencers — down over 6% in the last 24 hours. Trading volume, however, has surged to about $180 billion, because nothing says confidence like chaos, apparently. Short-term volatility, like a toddler on a sugar rush, was expected following the Fed’s rate decision, but the overall market sentiment? Well, it’s as mixed as a smoothie made from opinions and nonsense.
Apparently, former House Speaker and current California Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi’s stock portfolio didn’t just outperform—it *sprinted* past every major hedge fund in 2024. Not only that, it allegedly doubled the returns of Warren Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway, leaving the Oracle of Omaha looking like a novice with a piggy bank. Leavitt, with the confidence of someone who’s clearly never tried to time the market, told reporters this with a flourish, as if announcing the winner of a particularly absurd wizarding duel.
As Bitcoin takes another nosedive, Darkfost, a self-proclaimed market expert (take that with a grain of salt 🧂), has noticed something peculiar. Short-term BTC holders are selling like there’s no tomorrow. It’s like they’ve got a fire under their feet, and the only way out is to offload their precious coins—at a loss, no less!
This audacious move involves a new offering via big players—Morgan Stanley, Barclays, TD Securities—because apparently, what’s a little more money amongst friends? The shares, which are part of some gloriously convoluted series of stock titles (Variable Rate Series A Perpetual Stretch Preferred Stock), are listed on Nasdaq and are trading around the modest sum of $94.50. The precise timing? As elusive as the fountain of youth.
Ah yes, the NEAR Intents protocol—because why settle for one blockchain when you can juggle five like an overenthusiastic circus performer? This glittering framework proposes to liberate poor, shackled ADA from its Cardano dungeons and fling it into the vast sea of cross-chain swaps. No middlemen, no pesky bankers—just pure, unfiltered decentralization, kind of like a potluck dinner, only with more code and fewer casseroles.
Instead of earning tokens outright, these naive adventurers amass invisible tokens—more fleeting than your last paycheck—hoping they might someday unlock airdrops, early access, or some vague future token launch that’s as real as the spoon-fed promises of a con artist. It’s loyalty mixed with pure speculation, a new kind of gold rush for those early enough to stumble into it. And oh, how they scramble! 💸🤡