Prime Minister Anutin Charnvirakul, bless his cotton socks, has told the regulators to get their act together and start policing gold dealers, crypto platforms, and currency exchanges like they’re herding cats. 🐱 Or, more accurately, herding “grey money”-which sounds like something a particularly shady wizard would conjure up in a back alley. 🧙♂️⚫
According to CoinShares-yes, that’s a real name, not a pirate’s treasure map-the early-week gains of $1.5 billion were about as stable as a Jenga tower after a few glasses of wine. By the end of the week, it was all just a pile of wooden blocks and shattered dreams. 🧱💔
Enter, with a twinkle in his eye and a chart in hand, the estimable CRYPTOWZRD, a fellow whose sartorial elegance (were he to don a waistcoat) would put the very Duke of Westminster to shame. He beholds the XRP chart with the joy of a man who’s just discovered that the butler is not, in fact, the villain. “By thunder!” he ejaculates. “This setup is as familiar as a monocle in a toff’s pocket. Notice the sideways frolicking-pardon my language!-that has been going on for nigh on a year. It’s a precisely reductive dance of accumulation, like a country gentleman pacing the bounds of his estate, ready to break into a gallop the moment the peer of the realm permits.”
Bitcoin, predictably, had a little existential crisis and dipped. Thankfully, it found a safety net around $90K. It wasn’t a complete disaster, thankfully, but it did highlight how utterly reliant this whole enterprise is on what moody central bankers happen to say.
Ripple, in a very dramatic letter to the SEC Task Force (Jan. 9), insists crypto regulation should be based on “actual legal obligations” instead of “speculation, trading behavior, or whatever that decentralized thing is.” Because, obviously, the SEC should care more about contracts than people trying to get rich quick. 🙄
XRP is hot again after Binance’s top trader metrics revealed a heavy bias: 76.16% of the best accounts are holding long, with only 23.84% still betting against it. The long/short account ratio has shot up to 3.19, which is one of the most bullish positions in months. A fever dream of crypto euphoria. 🌡️
While the crowd’s attention is elsewhere for the moment, ETH could just stroll right into success before you can say Jack Robinson. 😅🚶♂️🚀
Key takeaways:
Yet fortune, that fickle mistress, turned her gaze with a dry smile. Almost at once the balance shifted, and within hours the trade lay down by roughly $325,000, as if the ledger would rather whisper misfortune than sing victory. But the larger tragedy, the one that weights the scales of men’s souls, is found in the ledger itself: his Hyperliquid account now sits $22.5 million in cumulative losses and more than $67 million below its peak equity, a mountain of numbers that makes a man pause and wonder at the arithmetic of risk 🤔.
Under the definitive agreement, Bakkt Holdings Inc., with a flourish of quills and seals, shall issue Class A common stock equal to 31.5% of the “Bakkt Share Number,” as decreed in a previously disclosed cooperation agreement between these two noble houses. 🖋️
