Chaos, Comedy, and Crypto: Congress Plots Its Most Bizarre ‘Week’ Yet

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  • Republicans dash forward with crypto bills like the devil runs with a purse full of rubles
  • David Sacks, self-proclaimed czar of AI and crypto—expects triumph without so much as a comma changed

With budget reconciliations behind them like half-eaten cold pirozhki, our intrepid Republican lawmakers have decided to gamble with fortune yet again. Their instrument this time: “crypto bills.”

In a proclamation issued on the third day of July—no less dramatic than a ball in the Governor’s mansion—Chair Monsieur French Hill and his comrade Glenn Thompson declared 14-18 July the illustrious “crypto week.” One can imagine the streamers already (tastefully) hanging in the corridors.

The House Prepares Its Grand Performance

The main acts: the CLARITY Act, the mysterious Senate stablecoin bill (known as the GENIUS Act—one wonders about the acronym’s origin), and, of course, an anti-CBDC bill because who doesn’t enjoy banning central bank wizardry every fiscal quarter? Chair Hill, looking very statesmanlike, laid out this ambitious itinerary with the flair of a man organizing a circus parade.

Speaker Mike Johnson, meanwhile, assured us the entire affair was perfectly aligned with President Trump’s vision for crypto. Picture a gilded agenda, sparkling with unmined BTC:

“House Republicans are taking decisive steps to deliver the full scope of President Trump’s digital assets and cryptocurrency agenda.”

The GENIUS Act, that shining hope of the stablecoin world, glided through the Senate and landed daintily on the House’s doorstep—a well-behaved legislative guest, to be sure. Assuming the House is in a generous mood and doesn’t tinker too much, the act may find itself on the President’s desk before summer’s end. Unless, of course, the House gets creative with amendments—at which point the bill might orbit D.C. till the sun goes out. (Or at least until 2026.)

“The bill remains subject to amendment in the House. Key provisions, including those related to issuer eligibility, state-federal oversight dynamics, and compliance requirements, may be revised before any final vote.”

Amendments, of course, are the legislative equivalent of throwing flour into the air and hoping for a cake. Delay is the only certain ingredient—possibly until the end of the decade. 🍰

Fortune Tellers and the Crypto Crystal Ball

define digital assets, unify oversight, guarantee “innovation” (which in this context, seems to mean burrowing new loopholes) and protect the consumer (probably from themselves).

After debuting in late May, the CLARITY Act accomplished the legislative equivalent of running the gauntlet, emerging from ag committee meetings surprisingly intact. Next up: a dramatic House performance scheduled squarely in “crypto week.” One expects fireworks, or perhaps the legislative equivalent: memos. ✍️

David Sacks, AI and crypto czar whose mustache twitches at regulatory uncertainty, declared the GENIUS Act’s progress “amazing.” His optimism is touching, if slightly naive—much like a cat perched above a bathtub, convinced disaster is an abstract notion. He foresees a bill sprinting straight to the President, amendments be damned.

But will the GENIUS Act duck amendments and cruise smoothly to the finish line, or are unseen banana peels waiting in the House corridor? That, dear reader, is a question best answered by one of Woland’s cats—but they’re busy shorting memecoins at the moment. 🐾

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2025-07-04 18:25