Coinbase Goes All-In: Stocks, Predictions, and More! 🚀

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In a world where even the most steadfast of institutions begin to waver, Coinbase, that paragon of cryptocurrency, has taken a step into the unknown-stock trading, prediction markets, and a vague promise of “everything.” A curious turn, one might say, for a platform that once thrived on the simplicity of digital coins. 🧠

The expansion, a bold attempt to outshine traditional fintech giants, reflects a growing trend: the more things change, the more they stay the same. Or perhaps, the more they try to be everything, the more they risk becoming nothing. 📈

Stock trading.

Rolling out on Coinbase in the U.S. – Coinbase 🛡️ (@coinbase) December 17, 2025

“This is a major milestone in our plan to enable 24/7 trading of stocks and ETFs from anywhere in the world, powered by crypto,” Branzburg declared, as if the world needed more reasons to lose sleep. 🌍

Coinbase’s foray into prediction markets, partnered with Kalshi, is a move as predictable as it is perplexing. “A major strategic shift,” they say. “A desperate attempt to keep up,” we whisper, sipping our tea and watching the chaos unfold. 🕵️‍♂️

The competition, it seems, is no longer just about crypto. It’s about who can juggle the most assets, the most risks, and the most existential crises. Robinhood, meet your new overconfident rival. 📉

With perpetual futures, leveraged positions, and a 50x risk factor, Coinbase is not just expanding-it’s gambling with a straight face. “An ‘everything exchange,'” they call it. We call it a high-stakes poker game with no clear rules. 🃏

Yet, even as Coinbase rebrands its wallet as an “everything app,” the question lingers: will this diversification be a triumph or a tragedy? The stock price, like a pendulum, swings between hope and despair. 🕰️

And so, the tale of Coinbase continues-a modern fable of ambition, uncertainty, and the eternal quest to be everything to everyone. Or, as one investor muttered, “What could possibly go wrong?” 🤷‍♂️

As the industry buzzes with prediction markets, Coinbase’s move is but another chapter in the grand, chaotic story of finance. Will it thrive? Or will it, like so many before it, fade into the background, a cautionary tale for the ages? Only time-and a few more stock drops-will tell. 🕰️

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2025-12-18 09:09