Crypto Boom? đŸ€‘ Coinbase is RICH!

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So, Coinbase. Remember when that was just
a thing people talked about at dinner parties, usually prefaced with a weary sigh? Apparently, it’s doing really well. Like, “net income soars 475%” well. Which, if my calculations are correct (and they usually are, unless there’s a chart involved), is a lot of soaring. They made $433 million. That’s enough money to buy a reasonable number of small islands, or, you know, a truly excessive collection of porcelain thimbles.

Q3 Financial Results (or, How Much Did They Make?)

They’re saying it’s because of “market volatility.” Which, in normal person speak, means people are panicking and clicking things. A lot. $295 billion worth of clicking. And $516 billion sitting on the platform, presumably generating dust bunnies and existential dread. Transaction revenue jumped to $1.05 billion. I don’t even want to think about what they’re charging in fees. It’s probably based on how stressed you are.

Apparently, Donald Trump being crypto-friendly helped. I didn’t realize politics could directly translate into more money for tech companies, but then again, I also didn’t realize you could make a living trading pictures of monkeys. 🐒 Times change. Then, the economy wobbled, everyone got scared, and they traded even more? It’s a beautiful, terrible cycle.

Expanding Market Reach (and Making Things Complicated)

They bought a company called Deribit, which sounds like a villain from a low-budget sci-fi movie. They now offer 24/7 crypto contracts. Great. Just what we needed-another thing to obsess over at 3 AM. The fact that they can handle 40,000 assets is
terrifying and also mildly impressive. It’s like they’re trying to create the world’s most confusing stock ticker. Stablecoins are up too, apparently because of something called the GENIUS Act. It’s always nice when things have acronyms. It makes them sound official.

And now, they want to be the “everything exchange.” đŸ€” A single place for all tradable assets! Because clearly, simplifying financial markets is a terrible idea. Analysts at Zacks Investment Research say Coinbase is “cash-rich and growth-ready.” Well, naturally. The “backbone of the new financial internet,” they call it. I suspect the “backbone” is supported by a very robust coffee budget.

I’m going to go lie down now. And maybe invest in porcelain thimbles. Just in case.

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2025-11-02 20:28