Brian Armstrong, the man at the helm of Coinbase, dreams-no, schemes-to turn his creation into a “super app” that will shove the dusty old banks out like last season’s coat. Ah, the ambition! To replace venerable institutions with a shiny new box of cryptographic tricks.
During a recent parley with Fox Business, Armstrong didn’t mince words. He confirmed Coinbase’s grand plan to become a financial Swiss Army knife: payments, credit cards, rewards-all tattooed with crypto’s unmistakable signature.
“Yes, yes, we want to be your financial everything,” Armstrong proclaimed, as if inviting you to entrust your fortunes to a digital sorcerer’s apprentice. “We want to be your primary account. Because, honestly, crypto deserves that spot… doesn’t it? It has feelings too.”
Our heroic CEO wagged a finger at the current banking labyrinth, calling it “outdated and inefficient.” His bafflement was sincere, if not a touch theatrical. “Why, pray tell, do we pay two or three percent every time we wave a card? It’s just bits, dancing through the internet air. Shouldn’t it be nearly free?” Indeed, why pay for invisible digital data traffic? Next time your toaster charges you for warm bread, do protest.
Coinbase eyes 4% Bitcoin rewards card
Armstrong dreams bigger still-a credit card that tosses back 4% Bitcoin rewards like a generous innkeeper handing out coin. “Ultimately, we want to be a bank replacement,” he said, with the wide-eyed enthusiasm of a man who has gazed too long into the glowing screen.
His timing, as always, is impeccable-amid fresh regulatory sunshine lifting the shadows. Applauding legislative triumphs like the GENIUS Act, Armstrong declared the “freight train has left the station.” One wonders, who bought the tickets for this fast-moving train and where it’s headed?
Partnering with old guard banks such as JPMorgan and PNC, he admits, “Their policy folks play a different game.” One suspects a poker table somewhere, where the bankers hold royal flushes while coinfolk count their crypto chips. Armstrong, however, dreams of a level playing field-perhaps one paved with LED screens and emoji.
Coinbase taps DeFi to boost USDC yields
The plot thickens with Coinbase embracing decentralized lending through a protocol named Morpho-because nothing says ‘financial revolution’ like borrowing from the digital ether without a middleman’s grim smile. Users might earn yields as high as 10.8%, a figure that sounds suspiciously like a promise whispered by a carnival barker.
Meanwhile, traditionalists, armed with the GENIUS Act, wield bans and warnings at these yield-bearing stablecoins. Bank Policy Institute, that venerable bastion, calls for closing loopholes faster than a dog chasing its tail.
But Coinbase shrugs off these concerns, claiming stablecoins are no menace. Nay, they’re merely a sleek, modern update to the tired old banking revenue model-a model about as fresh as a week-old samovar tea.
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2025-09-20 12:51