Right. So apparently, the crypto ETF circus has reached peak absurdity this week-because clearly, the world needed five more ways to lose money while pretending it’s investing. 🤡
The latest act? VanEck, bless their hearts, filed for an Ethereum staking ETF because nothing says “trust us” like a Delaware statutory trust registered on October 2nd-right between National Taco Day and the inevitable collapse of the US government. 🎪
Their genius plan? Track stETH, which is basically ETH but with extra steps (and a thrilling 3.3% yield-wow, such riches). Lido, the kingpin of liquid staking, is sitting on $33 billion of ETH like a dragon guarding its hoard. 🐉
Leveraged Hyperliquid ETF (Because Why Not?)
Meanwhile, ETF issuers have clearly been sniffing the Sharpies. 21Shares filed for a leveraged ETF tied to HYPE (yes, that’s the actual ticker). Because if regular crypto wasn’t volatile enough, why not double the fun-but only for a single day, because prolonged exposure might cause sanity to return. 🎢
Bloomberg’s Eric Balchunas called it “so niche… but then you could look up in 3-4 years it’s got a few billion.” Translation: “This is either genius or catastrophic-place your bets!” 🎰
ARK Invest’s Bitcoin Buffet
Cathie Wood, queen of disruptive innovation (and questionable timing), filed for three Bitcoin ETFs. One generates yield (read: gambling with options), another offers 50% downside protection (because losing only half your money is a win?), and the third-well, it’s basically Bitcoin Lite™. 🍟
Other Madness
Volatility Shares wants 3x and 5x leveraged ETFs-because nothing says “financial responsibility” like multiplying risk while the government shuts down. VanEck also tossed in a Solana staking ETF update, because why let Ethereum have all the fun? 🌪️
As Nova Dius President Nate Geraci wisely observed: “Once the government shutdown ends, spot crypto ETF floodgates open…” Ah yes, irony-the same fiscal chaos crypto was supposed to escape is now holding it hostage. 🎭
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2025-10-17 09:19