Ah, Bitcoin—the Aunt Edna of financial assets. Sometimes it bakes you cookies shaped like Lamborghinis, and sometimes it “forgets” your birthday, sets the kitchen on fire, and asks if you’re still single. Enter Dr. Cat: not an actual feline, but a real person who combines mystical weather-charts (the Ichimoku) with intergalactic hamster-wheel mathematics (Elliott Waves), and then smushes it all together like a Time Lord with a Bloomberg terminal.
This week, Dr. Cat unleashed his summer forecast, which is either an invitation to buy an island or burn your wallet for warmth. “If BTC hits a daily high between June 25-27, but it’s a lower high—a lower low should follow,” he proclaimed, as if reading constellations on a Ouija board. Basically, if Bitcoin doesn’t outshine its mediocre cousin from last week, it might just swan-dive into darkness until you start drinking iced coffee out of a shoe.
The bottom, should it grace us, is penciled in anywhere between mid-July and mid-August. How precise! July 28 to August 3, give or take two weeks, which is the exact window I use to schedule dental cleanings and existential dread. Naturally, this all lines up with the “weekly Tenkan Sen,” which is not a sushi roll but allegedly an important squiggle that Bitcoin stepped on then sheepishly ignored.
How do you know this uptrend is faker than my doctor’s “no more cheese” warning? The chart’s neutral. Apparently, “neutral” in crypto is financial limbo—a land where neither bulls nor bears roam, but everyone posts memes about how they’re “buying the dip.” Dr. Cat, positively glowing with ambiguity, warns: “Inaction or false optimism could send you tumbling.” Queue the Benny Hill soundtrack and sound of wallets slamming shut.
Here’s the nail-biting bit: the “super key support” at 93.2K. If Bitcoin can’t hang onto this like a toddler to a shopping cart, we’re headed down to the three-week Kijun Sen, which, as far as I can tell, is the permanent couch of cryptocurrency support levels—somewhere warm, unvisited, and slightly shameful.
If that falls, the scenario is “completely valid.” Which is analyst-speak for: “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” followed by an emoji that’s either a crystal ball or a facepalm. The only way to bust this cycle of doom is for Bitcoin to Hulk-smash through $110.6K after June 27, because nothing says “bullish” like numerology roulette.
Dr. Cat adds, “Most people care if price goes up or down. They never ask how.” I suppose that’s true about money, marriages, and soufflés. He recounts the time in April and May when, like Nostradamus but with more charts, he was right and everyone else was wrong—then the market tripped, spilled its drink, and ruined everyone’s shoes.
Ultimately, Dr. Cat’s advice is as solid as Bitcoin’s price path: “Recognize a neutral chart.” Think of it like reading tea leaves, but the leaves slap you every time you use leverage. “I’m not saying I can read the future,” he says, modestly, “just that not recognizing neutrality will make you suffer.” Which is about the most reassuring thing you can say before flipping a coin worth tens of thousands of dollars.
Bitcoin now faces the classic sitcom fork: $179,000 and private jets, or $79,000 and ramen noodles for life. The tension is so thick, you could cut it with a Ledger Nano.
At press time, BTC was trading at $107,356. And yes, that’s real. For now. 🐱👓📉🤑
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2025-06-26 16:41