Crypto’s Grand Farce: Bitcoin’s Plunge & The Great Investor Exodus

by

Markets

Darling, What’s the Fuss?

  • Friday’s crypto bounce, my dear, has taken a nosedive on Wednesday, with bitcoin tumbling below $66,000 like a socialite at a poorly catered soiree.
  • The Fed’s rate cut whims are weighing on markets, though one must wonder-didn’t this crypto bear market begin when the darlings at the U.S. central bank were already cutting rates? How utterly tedious.
  • The data, my loves, is as clear as a gin and tonic at noon-crypto investors have flitted off to more glamorous markets, leaving this party as deserted as a Coward play on a Tuesday matinee.

After a week of crashing like a debutante’s hopes at a bad ball, bitcoin bottomed out late Thursday at $60,000. A Friday rally, as fleeting as a summer romance, saw it soar nearly 20% to just under $72,000. Alas, that bounce now appears to be the financial equivalent of a “dead cat”-quite the spectacle, but utterly without grace.

In the dreary mid-morning U.S. trade, bitcoin is down yet again, languishing below $66,000 and shedding over 4% in the past 24 hours. Ether and solana are faring no better, down 5.5%, while XRP clings to a mere 3.5% loss. How utterly passé.

U.S. stocks, briefly buoyant earlier, have returned to their flat, uninspired state. Gold and silver, however, are up 0.8% and 3.2%, respectively-the only ones still dancing while the band plays on.

Earlier Wednesday, the U.S. government reported January job growth of 130,000, nearly doubling those dreary economist forecasts. The unemployment rate, darling, dipped unexpectedly to 4.3%. How inconvenient for the rate-cut romantics.

Interest rate traders, ever the dramatic bunch, are now pricing in a mere 6% chance of a March easing and a 23% chance for an April rate cut, according to CME FedWatch. Prior to this, March had a 21% chance, and April a 52%. How quickly the winds change, my dears.

Whether rate cuts would have rescued crypto from its bear market is debatable, of course. After all, this downward spiral began in 2025 as the Fed eased monetary policy at three consecutive meetings. How utterly predictable.

Interest Wanes, Darlings

With so many other assets in bull markets while crypto falters, it seems investor interest has evaporated faster than champagne at a Coward cocktail party. Coinglass reports that bitcoin perpetual futures open interest has fallen again, now 51% below its October 2025 peak. “A significant retreat in trader conviction and leverage,” they say. How dreadfully unchic.

“We’re seeing an ‘exit-crypto’ movement as investors grow tired,” one analyst quipped to Bloomberg, discussing South Korean investors fleeing to the Kospi as it hits record highs. Monthly trading volume on the Kospi was up 221% year-over-year last month, while crypto exchanges saw a 65% decline. “This is a washout,” the analyst added. “Retail is exhausted and fleeing to the Kospi.” How utterly unfaithful.

Crypto Stocks: A Sea of Red

There’s not a green shoot to be found in the crypto-related stock sector, my loves. Robinhood (HOOD) is down 12.5% after reporting a sharp decline in crypto trading revenue in the fourth quarter. Poor Coinbase (COIN) is down 7% ahead of its earnings report Thursday evening. Leading bitcoin treasury firm Strategy (MSTR) is off 4.5%, and ether treasury giant Bitmine Immersion (BMNR) is down 3.8%.

Circle Financial (CRCL) is lower by 4.7%, Galaxy Digital (GLXY) by 3.2%, and Bullish (BLSH) by 5.3%. What a splendidly disastrous affair.

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2026-02-11 19:21