Fed’s Yawn-Worthy Cut: Will Crypto Even Care? 😴📈

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Crypto, that capricious ballet dancer pirouetting on the edge of reason, twirled listlessly through the weekend, save for yet another choreographed “leverage purge” on Sunday-so routine now it might as well come with a subscription and a loyalty stamp. Ah, the romance of artificial panic! How we’ve grown to adore its predictable gasps.

Volatility? Possibly. But only in the way a sleepy cat flicks its tail-no real intent, just muscle memory. The so-called “event” of the week, the Federal Open Market Committee’s biweekly powwow on Tuesday and Wednesday, is poised to deliver a rate cut so timid-a mere quarter-point-it might as well apologize on arrival. The market, having already kissed this outcome passionately and drunkenly at midnight, is now ignoring it at brunch.

Economic data this week is sparser than a novelist’s metaphors in December-mild, meandering, and mostly forgettable. But let us, for theatrical effect, pretend to care.

Economic Potpourri (Dec. 8-12): A Soap Opera with Spreadsheets

Tuesday offers us the dual premiere of September and October JOLTS Data: not the latest streaming series from HBO, but rather the Job Openings and Labor Turnover Statistics-the tragicomedy of American employment. Will businesses hire? Will workers quit? Tune in for suspense so thick you could spread it on toast. Then, Thursday gifts us with Initial Jobless Claims, a number so often revised it may as well be a draft of a love letter no one dares send.

But hark! The crown jewel-Wednesday: the Federal Reserve, in their infinite beige wisdom, shall announce their rate decision. Expectations? A cut to 3.5%-3.75%, priced in with 88.4% certainty, according to the CME Fed Watch Tool-a device I suspect was designed by a bored oracle with a spreadsheet fetish. It’s less a prediction model, more a Ouija board with pivot tables.

1. September JOLTS Job Openings – Tuesday (yawn)

2. December Fed Interest Rate Decision – Wednesday (already read the book)

3. Fed Chair Powell Press Conference – Wednesday (will he blink? stay tuned)

4. OPEC Monthly Report – Thursday (oil, schmoil)

5. Initial Jobless Claims – Thursday (recurring character)

6. US 30Y Bond Auction – … (zzzz)

– The Kobeissi Letter (@KobeissiLetter) December 7, 2025

Inflation cools, growth limps along like a poet with a sprained ankle, and sentiment? Still batting its eyelashes at year-end rallies. Yet shadows linger-trade tariffs (again!), the fickle heart of consumer demand, and the Fed’s indecipherable tarot cards. Investors, ever the nervous nellies, tiptoe forward in ballet slippers, afraid the floor might be lava-or worse, illiquidity.

US stock futures stood quietly on Sunday night, still buzzing from Wall Street’s latest sugar rush, while crypto, that moody teenager, lounged on the couch, scrolling through its price charts with practiced indifference.

Crypto Market Outlook: A Soap Bubble Ballet

Total market cap, after a dramatic swoon-and subsequent recovery-limped upward to $3.18 trillion, courtesy of yet another “manipulation-induced flush.” Longs vaporized. Shorts squished. Everyone blinked. Was it real? Was it orchestrated? Does it matter? It’s becoming the weekly soap opera: Who Will Get Rekt This Time? 🎭

Bitcoin, that grand tragedian, dipped below $88,000-gasps!-before rebounding to $91,500 like a phoenix with excellent PR. It now lounges at $91,200, eyeing resistance levels above with the skepticism of a Nabokov narrator spotting a cliché. Ethereum, ever the dutiful understudy, followed script: plunge beneath $3,000, then-dramatic swell-reclaim $3,100 by intermission.

Altcoins, those background dancers in glittery vests, shuffled sideways this Monday morning in Asia, performing the Synchronized Drift routine-exciting to no one, essential to the aesthetic.

And so, we wait. For the Fed’s whisper. For the next fakeout. For the next time the market forgets it already knew the ending. 🍿

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2025-12-08 09:48