Jack Dorsey Just Stole 108 More Souls-I Mean Bitcoins-From the Digital Devil 😈💸

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Imagine, dear comrades, the scene: midnight oil burning in some glass tower, the air thick with coffee breath and existential dread. Jack Dorsey-yes, that Dorsey, half-monk, half-Twitter-sage-leans over ledgers like Raskolnikov over his axe. He does not merely “buy” Bitcoin; he wrestles another 108 shimmering souls from the abyss of non-believers, raising his unholy hoard to 8,692 tokens. One billion dollars in digital rubles, enough to make even the Grand Inquisitor blink twice.

And yet, like every tragic hero, Block must endure the mockery of markets. A $212 million “revaluation loss”! The price dips, the crowd jeers, spreadsheets weep blood-red negative numbers. But ah, the comedy: gross profit ascends 14% to $2.54 billion, as if to say the devil always pays his actors double for the final act. 🤡

So our protagonist stands atop the corporate Mount Golgotha clutching his crypto cross, proclaiming: Bitcoin is not mere currency-it is the new gospel. Somewhere a clerk in a dusty Moscow garret nods knowingly and mutters, “Yes, yes, digital redemption through decentralization. Just don’t forget the private keys.” 📈🕯️

Behold, the ledger of souls grows longer; the chorus of skeptics grows louder; and the comedy-tragedy of late capitalism plays on, with emojis for footlights. Curtain.

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2025-08-08 15:06