Lo and behold, the venerable JPMorgan, that stern old titan of TradFi, hath deigned to tiptoe into the whimsical realm of cryptocurrencies, a despot’s move as daring as a butler moonlighting as a jazz singer. A certain Scott Lucas, the bank’s rather suave global head of markets and digital assets, hath declared they’re “actively pondering” trading services for these so-called crypto tokens. How thrilling! (One imagines gagging a self-respecting high street clerk with jelly).
As for custodying crypto? Pah! That’s off the table-metaphorically and likely physically. Mr. Lucas, ever the diplomat, fibbed rather drolly that custody is “not on the horizon near-term,” as if the term “horizon” here implies somewhere beyond the moon and a plate of scones. A wise man once said, “Bingo! Not quite yet, old bean.”
During a brisk chat on CNBC’s Squawk Box Europe (one imagines the host clutching a deck of Monopoly money for warmth), Lucas waxed poetic about JPMorgan’s “and” approach. Truly, a revolutionary strategy. One might say it’s akin to eating one’s cake and ladling it to guests, though only the guests who arrive in a Tesla and a dog harness.
“I think Jamie was pretty clear on investor day that we’re going to be involved in the trading of that, but custody isn’t on the table at the moment,” quoth Lucas, as if divining a menu ticket for duck à l’orange. “There’s a lot of questions around our own risk appetite… custody I guess would follow.”
We see. Ponderous questions indeed, but only four when actually counted: 🎩 1? 2? 😅 3? 4?
JPMorgan’s pivot to crypto-with the grace of an elephant in a patchwork dress-has been as wobbly as one’s balance after a particularly spirited White Russian. Jamie Dimon, once crypto’s grumpiest uncle groaning about “digital tulips,” now extols stablecoins as if they were his great-great-nephew’s school play. A moral flexibility that would make Oscar Wilde waltz. “I’ve been a believer in stablecoins!” he declared in August, as startlingly as if one confessed to enjoying broccoli at a Burns’ Night dinner.
As for JPMD, JPMorgan’s deposit token? Lucas described it as “exciting,” as if he’d stumbled upon a kazoo orchestra in a ponzi scheme. “We’re thinking about offering different services for our clients on the cash side,” he mused, as though “cash” and “not crypto” were different worlds. One is reminded of a gentleman who owns both a bowler hat and a unicycle. Confusing.
“And that strategy is still emerging, as you can understand.”
Quite. Emerging from where? The Ministry of Silly Hats meeting next Tuesday?
As for public blockchains? Lucas decreed that “there won’t be one,” which is as controversial as saying there’s only one true way to shard a potato. But fret not! JPMorgan is “doing things in the coming quarters”-a phrase as vague as a fog bank in the Thames. One wonders if “things” includes crypto-themed teacup sales at Harrods.
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2025-10-14 06:21