Oh, The Drama! Banks vs Stablecoins – A Myth or Treasure Hunt? 🏦⚔️💰

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Columbia’s own Professor Omid Malekan, a man presumably armed with both a quill and a sense of exasperation, recently declared that banks are chasing phantoms like overcaffeinated ghosts in a poorly lit opera house. 🎭 Congress, meanwhile, bumbles onward with its market structure bill, as oblivious as a toddler in a china shop. 🏛️

Our hero, Malekan, insists stablecoins aren’t the deposit-draining vampires bankers claim. “The real kerfuffle,” he quips, “is about who pockets the interest from these digital vaults. Banks? Crypto cowboys? Or perhaps a third party with a suspiciously charming mustache?” 🤔

“I’m disappointed Congress is bickering over stablecoin yields like schoolchildren fighting over the last truffle at a tea party,” he lamented. “Half their worries are about as real as a unicorn in a top hat.” 🦄🎩

He then listed five myths, each more dramatic than the last. Highlights include:

1) “Stablecoins are fully backed! They’re not just a magician’s trick with a handkerchief!” 🎩🐇

– Omid Malekan (@malekanoms) January 12, 2026

He added, with a smirk, that most U.S. credit is doled out by shadowy figures in pinstripes (money market funds) or loan sharks with spreadsheets (private lenders). So why the panic over stablecoins? Beats me. 🤷♂️

Banks Storm Capitol Hill Like Besieged Butlers

Lawmakers, ever the drama queens, race to resolve this before a committee markup. The Senate Banking Committee meets on January 15, 2026-sources say negotiations are as tense as a duel at dawn. 🤺

Banks, clutching pearls and ledgers, scream about “yield loopholes” that’ll allegedly drain deposits. “Next, they’ll blame stablecoins for their Wi-Fi password struggles,” Malekan mutters. 📶

Who Gets the Loot? That’s the Real Question

“The debate isn’t about banning stablecoins,” Malekan clarifies, “it’s about who gets to sip the golden nectar of interest. Banks want it all, like a toddler hoarding jellybeans.” 🍬

If crypto firms share rewards with users, banks might face “profit peril.” Shocking! They’ve taken to congressional hearings like a fish to a bicycle. 🐟🚲

Deadline Drama and Last-Minute Shenanigans

Committee staff, described as “madcap playwrights,” scramble to draft a bipartisan bill. Negotiations drag late into the night, fueled by stale coffee and existential dread. 📝🎭

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2026-01-13 12:45