“We have failed you, O ye faithful minions!” A confession as rare as a polite tax collector. 🧾 The culprit? A “latent bug” in their bot-mitigation machinery-a gremlin of code, playing cello in the orchestra of chaos. 🐛
By November 2025 (yes, you read that right, that’s future), users had already zumped over $690M in stablecoins through Polygon. That’s roughly enough to buy a private island, if you’re into that kind of thing. And with 65 million Revolut fans across 38 countries, we’re talking about a monumental leap into the “seriously, this is happening” zone. It’s like putting a Tesla engine in your grandma’s shopping cart-futuristic AND functional ✨🚗.
And what better way to make the world a better place than shifting gears from churning out raw hashes to designing chips that actually care? Imagine the CEO, Val Vavilov, gazing thoughtfully at their factory, saying, “Let’s serve humanity, or at least make it less guilty about their energy bills.” Because nothing says moral superiority like cooling systems for AI data centers and compliance tools that scream, “We’re doing this responsibly!”
According to two officials who’ve clearly mastered the art of secrecy, the Finance Ministry is musing about slapping taxes on crypto transactions used for international payments. A noble endeavor, no doubt, akin to trying to catch smoke with a net. 🧨
The State of New Hampshire has made a critical advance in digital finance. The state’s Business Finance Authority (BFA) approved a first-of-its-kind $100 million bond. This is a special bitcoin-backed conduit bond. As a result, the state is creating a link between the old debt markets and digital assets. 🤯
Yes, according to Citi’s Head of Macro Research and Arthur Hayes, citing a likely improvement in the liquidity environment.
One might optimistically suggest that the suffering could stretch on for months-perhaps not due to malice, but mere indifference, like a doctor who sighs and says, “We’ll see,” before shuffling off to tea. The trend, regrettably, remains downward. The market, much like a bored aristocrat, continues to yawn at XRP’s advances.
The wizards at Canaan announced a 104% revenue spike to $150.5 million, thanks to a “tsunami of orders” (their words, not mine). Mining equipment alone raked in $118.6 million-like selling candy to ants at a picnic. 🐜
Altcoins, those plucky understudies to Bitcoin’s lead role, also decided to join the party. Ethereum, XRP, Solana, Cardano, Dogecoin (because of course Dogecoin is still a thing), and BNB all turned green-not with envy, but with the kind of optimism usually reserved for lottery ticket buyers.
Behold, the valiant AMINA Bank, akin to a knight wearing the armor of Switzerland’s finest FINMA, has conquered the formidable fortress of Hong Kong’s Securities and Futures Commission…
