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In a post, Schiff bragged about how his VanEck Gold Miners ETF (GDX)—yes, *the* GDX—is up a whopping 61.3% this year. Meanwhile, poor little bitcoin (BTC) is limping along at a measly 28.06% gain. Well, according to Yahoo Finance. Schiff rounded down to 27%, because why give crypto even that much credit? “I may not own any Bitcoin,” he wrote, clearly trying to sound humble while absolutely dripping with smugness, “but I have a lot more money in gold and silver mining stocks than many Bitcoin whales have in Bitcoin.” 🐳

In a rather dramatic X thread from July 20, Pumpius—bless his cotton socks—lays bare his suspicions that big banks are peddling tall tales about Ripple Labs to knock XRP’s price down a peg or two. He scoffs at the hullabaloo over Ripple’s quest for a national trust bank charter and FED access, claiming it’s not about genuine concern for stability, oh no. Rather, it’s a orchestrated farce to spread FUD (that’s Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt for the uninitiated) and let banks amass tokens on the cheap. 😏 The analyst posits that branding Ripple’s moves as “risky” is just code for “keep the plebs out while we feast.” After all, who wouldn’t want to discredit a crypto upstart that’s edging closer to shaking up the financial fiefdoms? It’s positively Shakespearean—full of sound and fury, signifying a banker’s bonus.

In a rousing performance that would make a Shakespearean villain proud, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent has lamented the apparent chaos reigning over the U.S. Federal Reserve. A full internal audit is what he screams for, lest this behemoth continue its unchecked expansion, proliferating like uninvited guests at a tea party. Bessent waxed eloquent on this matter during a delightful gab fest with CNBC Monday and further enticed viewers on Fox Business Tuesday.

They’ve got this self-custodial nonsense, meaning you’re the one holding the bag—literally your private keys. Features? Oh, plenty: zap tokens in chats, stake ’em, trade, buy USDT for free (yeah, right), and even cash out to your bank card. Seamless? Sure, until it isn’t, and you’re left wondering why you trusted an app that’s probably listening to your every keystroke. 🤦‍♂️

Ethereum isn’t just sitting there looking pretty (though it does that well). Institutional investors threw $2.12 billion at ETH last week, nearly doubling previous records. Fidelity’s FETH even briefly outshone BlackRock’s ETHA, pulling in $240 million in five days. It’s like watching two Wall Street bros fight over the last artisanal avocado toast. 🥑

Thus, Bitget Wallet now allows the exchange of one’s digital treasures for 25 earthly currencies—USD, EUR, GBP, AUD, and others, naturally. One may receive these funds via bank card or, for the modern individual, PayPal. A rather convenient arrangement, sparing us the indignity of relying on those rather… centralized exchanges. All can be managed, you see, within the cozy confines of the Bitget Wallet itself.

Profusa Inc. (Nasdaq: PFSA), a company that previously made sense, has now announced it’s joining the crypto hype train with a $100 million equity line of credit from Ascent Partners. Because nothing says “financial security” like betting your lunch money on a digital coin that’s crashed 80% before. 💸

Announced with all the urgency of a Siberian blizzard, PNC’s move leverages Coinbase’s “Crypto-as-a-Service” platform, a marvel of modern capitalism where banks and tech giants exchange favors like medieval barons swapping grain for gold. Clients may now buy, sell, and hoard their digital dreams, all while the bank quietly offers Coinbase its own banking services. A symbiotic dance of mutual exploitation, no doubt. 💸

The wallet operates on the mysterious and somewhat scandalous The Open Network (TON) blockchain. Yes, the same one that Telegram’s founders had to abandon back in 2020 because, you know, regulatory issues. But hey, out of sight, out of mind, right? Independent developers kept the dream alive, and now Telegram has teamed up with The Open Platform (TOP) to bring this marvel to the masses. 🚀

After flirting with $3,812 on July 22—a high since the days when your grandmother still called crypto “witchcraft”—Ethereum’s rally tripped over its own petticoats. Nine days of gains collapsed into a 1.9% decline, leaving traders clutching pearls over the $3,650 “critical support” zone. How dramatic. 🎭