EURJPY

After months of sideways action—$2,300 to $2,500, like a hamster on a wheel—Ethereum finally woke up from its nap. And Tuesday? Oh, it was like watching someone find the last donut at the office: ETH shot up to $2,600. The best part? It decided to park above the 50-day and 100-day Simple Moving Averages, which, in case you didn’t know, is a fancy way of saying “ETH is feeling itself.” 💁‍♂️

As bitcoin hovers near a fresh all-time high, BONK is leading the major altcoin rally. Because who needs actual value when you can have a funny dog picture? 🐶

Ever the debutante, Solana whirled into Wall Street’s sterile ballroom with a U.S.-listed staking ETF, ticker $SSK—anointing a new chapter in the ledger of crypto absurdities. On its opening night (the ball! the drama!), Bloomberg’s own zachpumpit reported $33 million in volume. Not the kind of number to inspire sonnets, but surely enough to ruffle conservative suits in their ergonomic thrones.

Yeah, the chart says volume is steady. It’s like February all over again, for better or worse (probably worse).

On the eve of momentous news (or yet another fireside chat, which sometimes passes for news in crypto circles), Robinhood shouted on X about how Ethereum’s own Vitalik Buterin, Johann Kerbrat (lord of Robinhood Crypto), and A.J. Warner from that mystical cabal, Offchain Labs, would gather like Russian uncles with strong tea—only with more blockchain jargon—on Monday. Picture a samovar, only it dispenses crypto press releases.

This little tumble followed Bitcoin [BTC] itself having a classic meltdown to $99k. Why the sudden case of the vapors? Well, global politics and a few missiles will do that: Israel-Iran bickering and the U.S. lobbing bombs around sent everyone running for cover, including your friendly neighborhood crypto projects.

“It has become amazing. I mean, it is the jobs that it produces, and I notice more and more you pay in Bitcoin. People are saying it takes a lot of pressure off the dollar, and it is a great thing for our country.”

– The Donald, with more coins than sense

Imagine the contemporary trader: a modern Bazarov, though instead of botany, he obsesses over allocation charts. With every market swoon, the so-called “stablecoins” balloon like an aunt on her fourth serving of vareniki, reaching nearly 30% of portfolios in a sell-off. Meanwhile, crypto’s old souls—Bitcoin and Ethereum—maintain their stolid vigil at the 50% mark, come rain, shine, or total Twitter meltdown. One almost expects an NFT of Arkady to appear, quietly reading allocation breakdowns.

Of course, market watchers are embroiled in the usual philosophical divide: Is this a healthy “retracement”—or, as the optimists say, “a little stretch before the next sprint”? Or is it the financial equivalent of trying to glue a broken vase with tears and hope? Analyst Ali Martinez, ever the cheerful harbinger, has announced ONDO is departing the luxury penthouse of its ascending channel, now plummeting rapidly through the metaphorical basement window. When professional chart squigglers say “bearish signal,” they mean “pack an umbrella, it’s going to rain wallets.”