EURJPY

Let’s break it down: Cherokee’s bid is hardly subtle. They’ve set up two neat little price ranges. For claims over $100,000, they’re offering between 70% and 75% of the original value, and for claims under $100,000, they’ll drop it to a modest 65% to 70%. How thoughtful! The sellers, in return, get the joy of an immediate cash payout while Cherokee takes on the inconvenience of waiting for distributions. Isn’t that just a delightful arrangement?

TradingView, that oracle of charts and candlesticks, reveals an 11% surge in a single session, propelling the coin to heights not seen since the halcyon days of yore. This lunge has piqued the interest of the masses, all eyes now fixed on the impending DOGE ETF, a financial instrument as inevitable as a Waugh novel’s tragicomic ending. Volume, that fickle mistress, has swollen to a staggering $5 billion, leaving one to wonder: how long shall the charade persist? 🎢💸

The The Information reports-with all the drama of a Dahlian twist-that Polymarket (the golden goose? 🐓) is considering an offer that could plump its valuation to a whopping $9 billion. Meanwhile, poor Kalshi is said to be nibbling at a $5 billion financing. Nibbling, mind you-not gobbling! 🦆 The report, whispered by those mysterious “people familiar with the discussions” (oh, how Dahl would love that!), insists these companies are merely toying with options, not sealing deals. Timelines? Ticket sizes? Hush, hush! 🤫

But wait, there’s more! In their latest update, Yala promised that all funds are “safe.” Oh, thank goodness! They even clarified that the Bitcoin deposited with them is still self-custodial (whatever that means) or locked away in vaults-no funds were lost in the chaos. Apparently, they’ve paused some product features to deal with this mess. They even threw in a bit of suspense, asking users to “wait for our green light” before re-engaging. Gee, thanks for keeping us on the edge of our seats.

Currently, DOGE is dancing around $0.292, up a modest 6% from yesterday – enough to make your grandma say, “What’s a Bitcoin?” But the real headline? Dogecoin finally busted past its all-summer “stop-you-in-your-tracks” wall at $0.27, like a rebellious teenager sneaking out past curfew. No more summer telling DOGE where it can’t go!

This chart, a humble tracker of all cryptos save Bitcoin, has now achieved what it last did in November 2021-a feat as rare as a polite debate in a Dostoevsky novel. Experts and enthusiasts alike, their eyes gleaming with greed, declare this the perfect moment to stuff portfolios with low-cap altcoins, those unruly stallions of the crypto steppe. 🐎

Here’s the definitive (and slightly absurd) overview of this week’s crypto funding shenanigans, as per the Crypto Fundraising data:

Now, you’ve got World Of Charts-oh boy, I love them-pointing out that there was a 130% intraday jump. That’s some serious action. And guess what? This whole thing broke through a long-term descending channel-don’t you love when technical jargon gets thrown around like it means something? Anyway, that was a big deal, apparently, and now we’ve got volume sitting at nearly $879 million. Okay, that’s solid, right? So, if Worldcoin can hang around that $1.60-$1.65 zone, it’s “all systems go” for a run toward $3.00 to $3.20. Or so they say.

In the murky depths of TradingView’s latest revelations, our beloved BTC has broken free from its shackles of former resistance and ventured forth to retest the exalted $115,000, now adorned as its new sanctuary. The “breakout + retest” charade is precisely what the textbooks had foretold – a *textbook* bullish signal, almost as if the universe conspired to shift the tides from despair to hope. But hold your horses! 🐎

In the wild and whimsical world of cryptocurrencies, it’s not just the human beings who need their daily dose of excitement. Even the institutions are getting in on the action, yearning for a piece of the Doge pie. Let’s summarize this cosmic comedy: