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These new “things” apparently went live this Tuesday. A Tuesday! Like anyone was holding their breath.

In a remote chat from New York at a crypto event hosted by Upbit in Seoul (you know, casual international video calls, no big deal), Eric Trump dropped some serious predictions about the digital asset game. His pitch? Bitcoin could be the next big thing-better than gold and probably even your dad’s precious real estate investments. 🚀

On a fine Monday, Eightco Holdings Inc., a fancy e-commerce infrastructure outfit, declared it’s got a $250 million private placement tucked under its belt. Why, you ask? To implement a first-of-its-kind Worldcoin treasury strategy, of course! 🧑‍💻✨ According to their press release, they sold 171.2 million shares of common stock at $1.46 a pop, with an extra 13.7 million shares handed to BitMine, the Ethereum (ETH) treasury bigwig, at the same price. Talk about a bargain! 🛍️

Among these novelties, Flock (FLOCK) has found itself a cozy nest on both exchanges, while Coinbase extends a welcoming hand to SPX6900 (SPX). Such benevolence has not gone unnoticed, as FLOCK has soared to unprecedented heights, much to the delight of its ardent supporters and the envy of its peers.

On the fateful Monday, 08 September, the announcement came, as grand as a proclamation from the Master and Margarita’s ball. The world’s first Worldcoin treasury strategy was born, with the purchase of 171,232,877 shares at $1.46 per share. And who should grace this occasion but Dan Ives, the Global Head of Technology Research at Wedbush Securities, now crowned Chairman of the Board of Directors. Speaking to CNBC, Ives declared with the fervor of a man who has seen the future:

On a Monday that shall henceforth be remembered as “The Day of the Bold Proposal,” Sky’s co-founder, Rune Christensen, unveiled his project’s bid with the flourish of a courtier presenting a jewel to the tsar. “Behold,” he proclaimed, “with Sky’s might, USDH shall rise, a stablecoin of unparalleled yield, rivaling even the vaunted US treasury bills!” 🏰💰

Whales have been busy flexing sell vibes on Ethena [ENA], sliding a whopping 34 million ENA-worth a casual $22.65 million-into Binance over the last two weeks. That’s like dropping your yacht keys in the harbor and hoping someone fishes them out.

The stablecoin, whimsically baptized USDm-because why not sprinkle a little mystique?-is co-conceived with Ethena, a formidable algorithmic stablecoin behemoth boasting a $13 billion treasure trove in total value locked (TVL). This alliance will breathe life into USDm atop Ethena’s USDtb infrastructure, which, in turn, plays the financial puppeteer managing reserves funneled into BlackRock’s BUIDL-a tokenized US Treasury bill fund, lounging comfortably with a $2.2 billion market cap and a yield as steady as your grandma’s knitting.

According to these crypto sleuths at Security Alliance (I’m picturing trench coats, not suit jackets), hackers snuck into the node package manager account of a bigshot developer. Malware snuck its way into libraries downloaded more than a billion times. A billion! That’s not chump change… except, actually, it is. Literally: $50. With risk that big, shouldn’t you at least pay off a car loan, or buy some Knicks tickets? Not a chance.

According to the ever-so-reliable Tokenomist, between September 8 and 15, we’ll be blessed with $513 million in freshly minted tokens. Think of it as crypto’s version of a group text: “Hey, remember that thing we all invested in? Let’s cash out and buy yacht rentals.”