EURJPY

In the past year, HOOD’s stock has skyrocketed 467% (yes, that’s a real number, and no, I didn’t accidentally spill coffee on my calculator). Shares hit $117, which sounds impressive until you realize you could’ve bought a small island for that much in 1997. Meanwhile, Bitcoin and Ethereum are chugging along like they’re stuck behind a tractor on a country road. Coinbase? Also lagging, like a kid who showed up to a gunfight with a slingshot.

In the days of yore, when lords held sway and peasants toiled like overworked ponies, feudalism reigned as the original decentralizer. Lords, knights, and manors managed their estates with all the efficiency of a country squire avoiding his creditors. Power, like misplaced heirlooms, scattered far and wide.

Granted, when he yelled this on X (formerly the place where we dunked on airlines and watched the planet melt in real time), the SEC was still in its pajama phase, drinking instant coffee and pretending the future isn’t charging at it like an over-leveraged chihuahua. But Nate swears that by October we’ll have XRP, SOL, and-because the alphabet still has letters left-LTC ETFs waddling around like newborn geese. Cute, right? Until they poop on your portfolio. 💸

According to CoinGlass data, in the last hour, long position traders have lost $118,640 due to the market’s mood swings. Imagine losing that much money because a coin couldn’t decide if it wanted to be a penny stock or a blue-chip investment. Talk about indecision! 😂

Just days ago, our hero-let’s call them “ETH Enthusiast Extraordinaire”-was sitting pretty with $29.6 million, thanks to some aggressive long positions on Hyperliquid. Their 66,749 ETH stash was worth a cool $303 million, and they’d locked in $6.86 million in profit. Life was good. Champagne was popped. But then, as if the universe whispered, “Not so fast, buddy,” they decided to double down. 🚀🔥

This little scheme will reportedly get its moment in the spotlight at the Shanghai Cooperation Organisation (SCO) Summit in Tianjin later this month. The plan? To convince everyone that the yuan should be the belle of the trade settlement ball. 🎉💃

So how does this magic happen? Simple. Pump.fun charges a neat 1% fee on all token swaps. Before the grand debut of PumpSwap (its own decentralized exchange), it raked in fees when tokens “graduated” from Pump to Raydium after reaching certain market heights. They got in on the memecoin action early-think of it as being the first one to show up at a party where everyone is bringing free pizza. 🍕

Here, in a gesture reminiscent of a Dostoevskian protagonist caught between faith and reason (or simply a bear market and a bull), Polkadot Capital Group scuttles forth, tugged in by the siren call of “institutional demand” and that most mysterious of blessings, “regulatory clarity”-a phrase so enigmatic, you might expect it to be uttered only in the confessionals of Wall Street, right before a trader sobs into his fifth espresso.

Remember FTX? Oh wait, you probably don’t want to. After its spectacular collapse, along with Celsius and other custodial giants, the crypto masses embraced self-custody like never before. But here’s the twist: traditional seed phrases-the sacred scrolls of crypto-are now being replaced by something even more mystical: seedless recovery. Yes, folks, it’s as magical as it sounds. ✨

With the sellers back in the saddle, the poor altcoin is under the cosh and looking about as perky as a wet weekend in Worthing. That coveted $0.50 mark? Well, it’s looking as distant as Aunt Agatha’s sense of humor. 😓💔