The breach was disclosed by 700Credit, a financial services firm whose name sounds like it belongs in a Victorian melodrama. The Maine Attorney General’s Office, ever the paragon of helpfulness, posted the notice with all the urgency of a man shouting at a teapot. 🤡
Meanwhile, the Bank of Japan pulled a rabbit outta a hat, hiking interest rates by 0.25 basis points to 0.75%-the highest in 30 years! 🐰📈 Bitcoin tried to play hard to get, flirting with $89,000 before slinking back to $87,000. Seems like the yen’s got more nerve than a caffeinated squirrel. 🐿️
A notable analyst-whose reputation for backing this very token is quite renowned-has kindly condescended to explain why, despite the temptations of panic, investors should maintain their composure and refrain from folly by selling XRP. Or, in plain terms, “stay put, love, and don’t be hasty.”
Ethereum’s wallet count is so big, it could host a TED Talk. Santiment’s data reveals 168 million non-empty wallets-because who doesn’t want to join Ethereum’s exclusives? Meanwhile, Bitcoin clings to its “digital gold” reputation like a toddler with a security blanket. 🧵
In the most peculiar of circumstances, Bitcoin (BTC), that most erratic of financial protagonists, hath seemingly rallied toward $88,000 upon Friday, spurred by the audacious rate hike from Japan’s central bank-a move marking the zenith of thrice-decade-long fiscal theatrics. One might suppose even Miss Bingley would be impressed by such inflationary acrobatics.
’Tis a tale of woe, truly! The Chinese, ever meddling, have once again cast a shadow upon these miners, whilst our American cousins dither with their regulations. And the Japanese, those masters of subtlety, threaten to… raise rates! Heavens preserve us. All compounding to stoke the fears of investors and send them fleeing like rats from a sinking ship. 🚢
The report, published on Thursday, highlights significant alterations in how these thefts are occurring. One alarming statistic shows that compromises of personal wallets have surged, escalating from just 7.3% of the overall stolen value in 2022 to a staggering 44% in 2024. 🕵️♂️💸
Kraken’s little trinket, xStocks, is finally wobbling around in the ecosystem of Telegram’s TON Wallet. They call it “increased access.” I call it another way for people to lose their shirts, but with extra steps. 🤷♂️ It’s a ‘milestone,’ they say. For whom? The brokers, naturally.
Reuters, that tireless chronicler of financial whims, and its market data cohorts report gold basking above $4,330 per ounce, while silver-ever the dramatic prima donna-pirouetted past $66. A “strong run for bullion,” the cognoscenti murmur, though one suspects they simply enjoy the sound of their own voices. In India, silver’s ascent has catapulted local prices to a staggering ₹2.06 lakh per kilogram, leaving mortals to ponder the weight of such opulence. 💰🇮🇳
At the Bitcoin MENA 2025 conference in Abu Dhabi-where the air is thick with ambition and the occasional whiff of desperation-MicroBT unveiled its M70 series. With this, they join Bitmain in the illustrious “Petahash Club,” a dubious honor reserved for those who dare to cram more computing power into a metal box than should be legally permissible.