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The motion, granted with a judicial wink, allows the refiling of a lawsuit against the memecoin carnival Pump.fun, the MEV conjurers at Jito Labs, and the solemn guardians of the Solana ecosystem, among other players in this crypto tragicomedy. The plaintiffs, armed with over 5,000 pieces of evidence-internal chat logs, no less-claim to have unearthed the smoking gun, or perhaps the smoking ledger, that reveals the machinations of this digital enterprise. 🕵️‍♀️

At the stroke of the pen, Bitcoin (BTC) was trading at $87,700, a sum that leaves it 7.47% shy of its monthly peak and a full 30% below its all-time glory. Alas, the fickle hand of fate! 😢

So, here we are in 2025, and guess what? Record-breaking thefts in the crypto world! Seriously, $6.5 billion! Who knew digital wallets could be so generous? And wouldn’t you know it, the big boys from North Korea are behind most of this. I mean, come on-can’t a guy keep his Bitcoin? 🤔

Now here’s the twist: in the last 24 hours, our dear Cardano has seen more money float out than flow in! Outflows are up to $49.95 million, while inflows are only $47.32 million. A cheeky little signal that even as the crypto market is throwing a tantrum, Cardano looks like it’s ready for some fun! 🎉

Meanwhile, the INJ spot price has been cautiously tiptoeing back from recent lows, perhaps embarrassed by its earlier tumble, while the swear-it’s-only-a-boo, derivatives markets are kind of like a nervous kid at a fair-fidgeting and showing mixed signals. Total futures open interest is easing, but short-term derivatives activity is giving a little wink and a nod, suggesting there’s still some life in these crypto bones. 🦴

The wallets, nicknamed “0x58797” and “0x00a63”-which, I concede, sound like the product of an especially tedious cipher-initially received their bounty from the same generous hand, only to lie in wait, like a fox in the henhouse, until a single day’s activity summoned them back to life and dispatched their treasure toward the illustrious offshore exchange, OKX. One might suspect, with a tinge of skepticism-and perhaps with a pinch of admiration-that much ambition resides behind this sudden burst. 😉

SoFi (SOFI) has launched a U.S. dollar stablecoin, SoFiUSD, because why not make money transfers feel like a leisurely stroll instead of a marathon? It’s aiming to make your financial transactions as smooth as butter on a hot pancake.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics, those keepers of the numerical flame, delivered their report on Thursday. The CPI, usually a roaring lion, purred like a kitten. Economists, with their charts and graphs, had predicted a 3.1% climb, but the beast had other plans. The core rate, excluding the volatile food and energy, followed suit, falling to 2.6%. It’s as if the economy decided to take a nap. 😴

Liquidity, that fickle old friend, has left town, leaving Bitcoin to dance alone in the moonlight. Every step-a stumble. Every sale, a cannonball into a pond of whispers. And yet, the beast grows tamer by the day, tethered to the whims of traditional markets. Sell here, buy there-it’s all just a fancy game of hot potato with higher stakes and fewer potatoes.

Bitcoin has formed its fifth Golden Cross since 2020, a technical signal often followed by significant price rallies. Despite low market sentiment (because why not?), analysts suggest Bitcoin could rise by 45%-50%, potentially reaching $130,000. Let’s call it “optimistic chaos.”