In a turn of events that would make even the Auditors of Reality scratch their heads, the Trump administration declared on a Thursday afternoon—when the sun was clearly taking a nap—that Nancy Pelosi’s stock portfolio had outperformed every large hedge fund in 2024. White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, with a straight face and a twinkle in her eye, delivered this bombshell during a briefing that left reporters wondering if they’d accidentally wandered into a Discworld carnival.
Did Pelosi’s Stocks Turn Her into the Queen of Wall Street? 👸💹
Apparently, former House Speaker and current California Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi’s stock portfolio didn’t just outperform—it *sprinted* past every major hedge fund in 2024. Not only that, it allegedly doubled the returns of Warren Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway, leaving the Oracle of Omaha looking like a novice with a piggy bank. Leavitt, with the confidence of someone who’s clearly never tried to time the market, told reporters this with a flourish, as if announcing the winner of a particularly absurd wizarding duel.
This revelation dropped just a day after the Senate approved the PELOSI Act—yes, that’s “Preventing Elected Leaders from Owning Securities and Investments,” because acronyms are the backbone of serious legislation. The irony? Pelosi herself voted for it, presumably while her portfolio was doing the financial equivalent of the Macarena. Democrats cheered, and Senator Josh Hawley (R-Mo.), the lone Republican in favor, introduced the bill with the enthusiasm of a man who’d just discovered he’d accidentally backed a unicorn.
But even after Hawley included a clause exempting President Donald Trump and Vice President JD Vance, Trump took to TruthSocial to slam him as a “second-tier senator.” Because, as we all know, the only thing worse than a senator who tries to do the right thing is one who does it while accidentally aligning with Democrats. Trump also demanded a “review” of Pelosi’s investments over the past 25 years, presumably to ensure she hasn’t been secretly moonlighting as a financial wizard.
Leavitt, ever the diplomat, explained that Trump “conceptually” agrees with the idea of preventing Congress from using their positions to enrich themselves. However, he believes Pelosi should be the star of this particular inquisition, given the unsubstantiated allegations of insider trading swirling around her like a particularly persistent mosquito. “She makes $174,000 a year but has a net worth of $413 million,” Leavitt noted, as if discovering a new law of physics. “Her portfolio grew 70% in 2024, outperforming every hedge fund and doubling Buffett’s returns. Someone call the Auditors—this can’t be right!”
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2025-08-01 06:58