What to know:
- Revolut, with all the subtlety of Dostoevsky’s gambling fever, is whispering sweet nothings to investors for a cool $1 billion—at a valuation so vast, mere mortals lose count. $65 billion! Try not to faint.
- Greenoaks, a firm presumably named after the tranquil forest that’s nowhere near this financial frenzy, will preside over a curious bazaar of both new and slightly used shares.
- And as though money itself were not abstract enough, Revolut pushes into the digital void: now Lightning Network payments for Europeans. Because waiting a few seconds for Bitcoin was too Dostoevskian for them. ⚡️
Look at them! Revolut—Europe’s most lavishly valued upstart—hurled boldly into the capitalist arena, seeks the billion-dollar Holy Grail. The air is thick with intrigue: the Financial Times carries whispered rumors of $1 billion, the whiff of stress palpable among London’s fintech intelligentsia.
Such numbers! Does the heart not quiver at the very thought—a 44% leap in paper wealth since last year’s secondary share soiree, when the poor saps only had a $45 billion price tag? Somewhere, a mathematician is questioning his life choices.
The scheme is simple (which is never enough for misery, but good enough for equity): issue new shares, hawk old ones. The gods of global finance at Greenoaks are pondering the terms—even they have their doubts, as any good Dostoevskian would.
Buried (like a Dostoevsky subplot) is the delicious footnote: if Revolut ever stumbles—by valiant struggle or sheer dumb luck—upon a $150 billion valuation, CEO Nik Storonsky will find himself drowning in compensation. One suspects Raskolnikov would have some opinions. 👀
Meanwhile, all this is happening as Revolut courts crypto geeks with Lightning Network promises. Forget cash—who needs reality when you have the abstract passion of digital coins? Honestly, who among us hasn’t dreamt of existential crises paid for in Bitcoin?
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2025-07-10 00:07