Oh, the audacity! Disgraced FTX maestro Sam Bankman-Fried (SBF) has whipped up a fresh batch of “alternative facts”, claiming his crypto circus was never insolvent-because, you know, bankruptcy lawyers are just greedy vultures in suits. 🦅💼
Crypto detectives, including the ever-vigilant ZachXBT, rolled their eyes so hard they nearly saw their own brains. “Oh, SBF, still spinning tales from your cell?” they muttered.
The FTX Fiasco: A Comedy of Errors 🎭
SBF’s masterpiece, titled “FTX: Where Did The Money Go? (And Why It’s Not My Fault)”, was proudly posted on X (formerly Twitter, formerly a sane place). In it, he explains how $20 billion from seven million customers magically poofed into $8 billion in debt. Abracadabra! ✨
“FTX was never insolvent! There were always enough assets-hidden under the mattress, probably. Lawyers just love burning money!”
SBF insists FTX had $15 billion lying around-some in crypto, some in venture bets, and probably a few bucks in Monopoly money. 🏦 He even claims creditors are getting repaid at 119%-143%, which sounds great… unless you held Bitcoin and got paid in 2022 prices. Oopsie! 🤷♂️
SBF’s Villain of the Day: Lawyers! (Shocking, Right?) ⚖️
Who’s to blame? The legal team, of course! SBF accuses Sullivan & Cromwell of staging a hostile takeover-like a bad corporate thriller-and filing for bankruptcy just to rack up those sweet, sweet billable hours. 💸
“FTX was never bankrupt! Lawyers just wanted a new yacht. And maybe a private island.”
He claims the bankruptcy team sold FTX’s assets at “fire-sale prices,” torching $120 billion in potential value. Among the casualties:
- Anthropic shares-sold for peanuts, now worth a fortune. 🥜→💰
- Robinhood stock-dumped for $600M, now $7B. 🤡
- Solana tokens-sold for half their current value. (Math is hard, okay?) ➗
Meanwhile, FTX’s native token, FTT-labeled “worthless”-still trades at $300M. Classic. 🤦♂️
Crypto Sleuths Call BS 🕵️♂️
ZachXBT wasn’t buying it:
“Oh please, SBF. Assets rebounding doesn’t mean you weren’t broke in 2022. Maybe prison WiFi isn’t great for fact-checking?”
The crypto community collectively facepalmed. Meanwhile, SBF remains in prison, dreaming of what could’ve been-if only lawyers weren’t so darn lawyer-y. 🔒
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2025-10-31 10:19