Right. So. Spent the morning staring at my phone, half expecting a text from Mark Darcy, but it was just CryptoWzrd banging on about Chainlink again, looking all bullish in a deeply tragic, over-caffeinated way. Honestly, it’s like my love life, but with more candlesticks. 📈
Daily Close Apparently V. Significant. Unlike My Willpower Re: Chardonnay.
The upshot is, CryptoWzrd is frightfully excited because LINK and LINKBTC did a “bullish daily close.” A bit like me closing the fridge door after deciding against the third glass of wine. A small victory, but one feels terribly proud nonetheless. He says it means “momentum could be building.” Which is what Daniel Cleaver said about that dreadful techno nightclub in Hoxton.
The man is now apparently waiting, with the breathless anticipation of a singleton waiting for a booty call, for MORE bullish daily candles. Because it bounced from an “extreme oversold zone,” which sounds utterly miserable, like discovering your ex is dating a yoga instructor.
He’s now wanging on about it challenging $40. FORTY DOLLARS. That’s practically a whole new pair of Jimmy Choos. If it actually happens, I shall be forced to have a small celebration, probably involving a cigarette and a large G&T.
There’s talk of $30 resistance, which he says bulls could break “without much difficulty,” which is a phrase never, ever applicable to men. They make everything difficult. On the downside, there’s support at $20, which must hold to protect the “broader bullish outlook.” A bit like I must avoid phoning Daniel to protect my broader mental health outlook.
Tomorrow he’s going to be staring at “lower time frame chart setups,” which sounds unspeakably dreary and is probably why he doesn’t have a girlfriend. He’s looking for “quick scalp opportunities,” which sounds like a terribly aggressive haircut but is apparently about trading.
Jackson Hole Causes Utter Pandemonium. Rather Like Seeing Your Mother on Tinder.
The final verdict involved something called the Jackson Hole Symposium, which caused “extreme volatility.” I get that. I had extreme volatility when I saw Rebecca in the new Agent Provocateur lingerie. V. triggering.
He’s devised a perfect long setup involving a pullback below $26.50 and then a “bullish reversal.” It’s all terribly complicated, like trying to work out if you’re actually in a relationship or just having a sleepover. He has TARGETS. For prices. I have targets, too. Mainly involving getting through the day without a major relationship calamity.
But he’s also issued a caution. If it holds below $26.50, the market could go all sideways and frustrating. A bit like dating a man who says he’s “not ready for labels.” You just want to scream, “JUST MAKE A DECISION!” into a pillow. With the weekend coming, he’s being “balanced and rational.” Which is code for “probably going to get drunk and do something regrettable with a trading bot.”
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2025-08-24 01:18