South-of-the-Border Billion-Dollar Houdini Eyes Guilty Plea-Will Uncle Sam Applaud? 🤫

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Judge Engelmayer-who looks, one is assured, as if he breakfasts on granite-has invited Mr Do Kwon to step into the light and confess, in ringing prose preferably memorised and certainly footnoted, precisely which of the nine deadly sins he now fancies owning. His solicitors, poor dears, have been directed to distil this mea culpa into something legible before the ink dries.

Kwon-freshly air-freighted from Montenegro last Christmas like a rather costly goose-has been luxuriating in U.S. custody ever since, bail apparently regarded as an antiquated eccentricity.

Our protagonist had hitherto maintained his virginity, at least in the criminal sense, denying fraud of every flavour: markets, wires, securities, and the laundromat variety. One trembles to recall that these frolics erased forty billion dollars, a figure so stately it ought really to be spelled out with zeros instead of letters for decorum’s sake.

A game of hide-and-seek ensued after Terra imploded-an Olympian version with forged passports and Balkan hideaways-until Montenegrin gendarmes spoiled the sport.

U.S. prosecutors insist Kwon single-handedly orchestrated the debacle; meanwhile the SEC quietly cashed a $4.5 billion cheque last year, presumably for damages, lunch, and incidental paperclips.

Rumours of a “productive discussion” between Kwon’s barristers and the Feds waft about like cigar smoke in a gentlemen’s club; whether Tuesday brings a full-throated confession or merely an encore of legal shadow-boxing remains a delicious mystery. A trial once pencilled for distant January 2026 now hangs precariously like a Damoclean chandelier.

The court, still echoing last week’s conviction of Tornado Cash’s Roman Storm, appears to be sharpening its machete for crypto miscreants. One half-expects a brass band and confetti cannons on judgment day.

The above is strictly for gossip and moral edification, not for wagering one’s children’s school fees. Consult someone with a licence, a conscience, and ideally both before embarking on financial heroics.

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2025-08-12 08:58