Tether’s Going Medieval?

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So, Tether, that humble purveyor of digital dollars (the ones everyone totally trusts, naturally), is apparently feeling a bit… central banky. Their CEO, Paolo Ardoino, has been suggesting they’re rapidly morphing into one of the biggest gold hoarders on the planet. Which is just… lovely. It’s always reassuring when entities nobody quite understands start acting like nations. You know, for stability.

Tether’s Slightly Alarming Hobby

This is happening at a time when gold is doing that thing it does when people are collectively deciding that paper money is, shall we say, lacking in inherent value. Apparently, someone – reportedly even a former President with strong opinions – isn’t too bothered about a weakening dollar. Which, naturally, leads everyone to invest in shiny, heavy things. It’s economics, basically. A lot of it involves panic, if we’re being honest.

They’re not just saying they’re buying gold; they’re hauling in over a ton a week and stashing it in Switzerland. A Swiss vault. Of course. Because where else would you keep vast quantities of glittering treasure? It’s the sort of thing Smaug would approve of, if Smaug had a blockchain account. This hoard, by all accounts, is rather substantial, eclipsing the reserves of many countries. Which begs the question, does that make Tether a nation now?

Mr. Ardoino assures us this isn’t a one-off. They’ll assess their gold needs “on a quarterly basis,” which sounds suspiciously like a dragon deciding how much of its hoard to leave unguarded in any given three-month period. The entire operation is fuelled by USDT, which, as you know, is just… there. Lots of it. Approximately $186 billion worth of it, generating interest, much like a very efficient goblin mine.

They’re now actively trying to manipulate the gold market, too. They need ‘the best trading floor’ because, apparently, honest, straightforward bulk purchasing isn’t quite cutting it. They have hired people from actual banks to facilitate this, which is a bit like hiring a reformed highwayman to guard your coach. Logical, actually.

The goal, they say, is ‘steady, stable, long-term access to gold.’ Which is delightful phrasing. It implies that gold is rather… flighty, and prone to vanishing if you don’t maintain a firm grip. Expect delivery times for large orders to be “measured in moons”.

And why exactly? Apparently, gold is “logically a safer asset than any national currency.” This from a company built on a digitally-created currency. The irony is, as ever, remarkably robust. It seems everyone, including the BRICS nations, is hoarding gold. Apparently, the kind of people who’ve spent years protecting themselves from their governments’ financial antics are particularly keen on Tether’s plans.

All this ties neatly into Tether Gold (XAUT), a token you can redeem for real, physical gold. They’ve already issued enough tokens to represent 16 tons, and are hoping to inflate that to… well, quite a lot. They predict other countries will start tokenizing gold to rival the US dollar. So, we’re all going to be trading digital representations of shiny rocks? The future is truly… something.

Mr. Ardoino insists they’re “operating at a scale that now places the Tether Gold Investment Fund alongside sovereign gold holders, and that carries real responsibility.” One can only imagine the paperwork. The auditing. The sheer weight of explaining all this to anyone who asks a sensible question.

As of right now, XAUT is trading at $5,283. Which is a lot of money for a promise of gold, but then again, this whole situation is a bit of a lot of money, isn’t it?

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2026-01-29 08:16