Key Takeaways
Congress tells Treasury to figure out if hoarding Bitcoin is feasible. Because nothing says “practical” like storing digital currency that’s more volatile than my ex-wife’s mood swings.
Guess what? The U.S. House just told the Treasury to report on creating a “strategic Bitcoin reserve” (SBR). Because nothing screams “fiscal responsibility” like betting the national piggy bank on a asset that could crash faster than my dating life.
Part of the bill read:
“The Secretary of the Treasury is directed to issue a report… not later than 90 days after enactment.” Oh, sure, let’s give them 90 days to solve this. I can’t even pay my taxes in 90 days.
They also want to know the “potential barriers” to creating the reserve. Like maybe the fact that Bitcoin could turn into digital confetti overnight? Or that the Treasury might accidentally lose the private keys. But hey, let’s not rain on the parade.
While this shows “intent,” it’s just a report. Not an actual plan. Like telling a kid to build a spaceship but only giving them a crayon and a napkin. 🚀
The bill is moving forward, but floor debate? Let’s see. I’d rather debate whether pineapple belongs on pizza.
Democrats Ready for Market Structure Bill
12 Democrats are now pretending to care about crypto. Because nothing unites politicians faster than a shared love of confusing financial jargon.
Senator Ruben Gallego and his crew want to “close regulatory gaps” for non-security crypto assets. Because nothing says “regulation” like leaving a $4 trillion market in limbo. It’s like saying we need rules for juggling flaming chainsaws-eventually.
“Digital asset tech could unlock innovation…” Yeah, if by “innovation” they mean “let’s make a bunch of rich people richer while the rest of us scratch our heads.”
They also said bipartisan outcomes can’t be rushed. Oh, but crypto sure can. Because nothing moves faster than a political compromise when the money’s flowing. 🤝
Senator Cynthia Lummis called the Democrats’ input a “strong start.” Because nothing says “strong start” like ignoring 60% of the Senate. But hey, at least she’s not asking for a Bitcoin ETF on the side.
“Meaningful legislation takes collaboration…” Oh, sure. Like the time Congress agreed on daylight saving time. Groundbreaking.
Republicans plan to push their bill out of committee by September. Democrats will “negotiate” it into oblivion by October. Market odds? 30% chance of passing by 2025. Because nothing says “confidence” like betting against yourself.
Adam Minehardt from Chainlink said it’s “positive.” Because nothing’s more positive than needing 60 Senate votes when there are only 53 Republicans. Good luck with that. 🎲
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2025-09-10 17:21