U.S. Government Finally Buying Bitcoin? Hold My NFT…

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2026 is off to a slightly bullish start-if by “bullish” you mean “not totally on fire and trading like a rejected pumpkin spice product.” 🍂

Macro-wise, crypto is trying. Seriously, it’s putting in the effort. Take the whole MSTR-MSCI drama: instead of crumbling like a sad protein bar, it somehow boosted confidence in Digital Asset Things™ (DATs). MSTR is up 9.88% YTD? Congrats, your stock is beating the average Amazon return by… half a latte.

But here’s the plot twist: this is just crypto’s “I’m fine” phase, the one where it smiles through the pain while slowly selling its furniture on Craigslist. 💸 With stablecoin bills getting debated like high school prom dates, Bitcoin “technically” in a Strategic Reserve (more on that later), and regulators throwing shade faster than a southern pageant queen – something’s gotta give.

BTC’s 2025 Cycle – A Tale of “We Almost Had It”

2025 was like that friend who says, “I’m totally getting my life together,” then orders tacos at 3 a.m. while crying over a spreadsheet.

Some folks still think Bitcoin is digital gold. Others insist it’s digital tulips. And then there’s Congress, which somehow passed the GENIUS Act – which, ironically, did not require any actual geniuses.

The headliner? Trump signed the Bitcoin Strategic Reserve into law in March 2025. Cue fireworks, confetti, and… oh wait, nothing actually happened. BTC closed the year down 6.3%. So, thanks, Donald. I guess? 🤷‍♂️

So now we’re in 2026 with a growing sense of “well, when do we do the thing?” Everyone’s waiting for the U.S. government to finally buy some Bitcoin instead of just saying they might, like a dad promising ice cream that never materializes.

Institutional demand? Currently taking a nap. Bitcoin ETFs are bleeding money faster than a vampire in a garlic convention. And $100k? That’s looking less “financial milestone” and more “unicorn sighting.” 🦄

But hey – at least we have hope! And memes. Mostly memes.

Strategic Reserve: The World’s Most Passive-Aggressive Vault

Let’s be real: the “Strategic Bitcoin Reserve” sounds impressive until you find out it only holds seized BTC, not purchased. It’s like saying you’ve got a wine collection but it’s just bottles your guests left behind after awkward parties.

So no, the U.S. hasn’t bought a single Bitcoin for the national stash. Zero. Zip. Total participation in “crypto capital of the world” with the enthusiasm of a teenager asked to do dishes.

But will that change? Maybe. Possibly. Kazakhstan just restarted Bitcoin mining, which, let’s be honest, is not a country we usually look to for economic trends-unless you’re really into steppe-based financial policy. ☀️🐑 Yet here we are.

Meanwhile, gold had a glow-up in 2025: up 65%, flirting with $4,500, doing backflips over inflation like an Olympic gymnast on espresso. Investors ran to gold like it was the last seat on a lifeboat.

BTC? Just sitting there like, “Hello…? I’m right here…?” ❌💍

Yet paradoxically, the idea of Bitcoin as digital gold got stronger. Regulations improved. Trust is growing. Institutions are whispering about it at parties. So, could 2026 be the year Uncle Sam finally swipes his government Amex for some BTC?

Final Thoughts (aka The Part Where I Pretend to Know What’s Going On)

  • Bitcoin went down in 2025, sure – by 6.3%. But thanks to the GENIUS Act, the Strategic Reserve (the one that doesn’t buy anything), and general vibes, its “digital gold” status is now about as controversial as pineapple on pizza. (Still heated, but we’re moving on.) 🍍🍕
  • Gold exploded 65% in 2025. In 2026, MSTR drama somehow made DATs more trustworthy, which… honestly, that’s like making fax machines cool again. But hey, respect if you pull it off. 📠✨

So will the U.S. government start buying Bitcoin this year?
No guarantees. Just vibes, speculation, and the growing realization that we’re all just waiting for someone to finally adult. 🍼

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2026-01-10 08:14