Vanguard Finally Joins Crypto Party-About Time! 🕺💰

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So let me get this straight. Vanguard, the same company that acted like cryptocurrency was a fad-like Beanie Babies or low-rise jeans-has decided, after a solid decade of side-eyeing Bitcoin, to finally let people trade crypto ETFs and mutual funds on its platform. Starting December 2nd. Wow. Groundbreaking. 🙄

Oh, Now You’re Interested?

According to Bloomberg – who apparently didn’t get the “I’m retired” memo like the rest of us – as of December 2, Vanguard customers can now trade crypto-focused funds. Surprise! They include Bitcoin (BTC), Ethereum (ETH), XRP, and Solana (SOL). Not Shiba Inu, mind you. That would be ridiculous. Or… wait, no, actually, it wouldn’t. But more on that later. 😒

And why the sudden change of heart? Could it be that investors have been asking for this? No, no-apparently, the real catalyst is… drumroll… President Donald Trump’s crypto enthusiasm. Yes. Because when I think of sound financial policy, I immediately think of someone who once claimed he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose voters. 🤦‍♂️🔫

But hey, better late than never, right? Over 50 million brokerage customers – managing a cool $11+ trillion – can now dip their toes into regulated crypto products. Not that they couldn’t before. They just had to go elsewhere. Like, say, a place that wasn’t acting like crypto was a typo. 🏦➡️🚀

Andrew Kadjeski, head of brokerage and investments at Vanguard (yes, that’s a real title, not a Scrabble champion), said, “Cryptocurrency ETFs and mutual funds have been tested through periods of market volatility, performing as designed while maintaining liquidity.”

Translation: “We watched everyone else take the risk, waited for the dust to settle, and now we’re getting on the train. But not without a seatbelt and a notarized waiver.” 🚆📄

He also mentioned that the “administrative systems” have “matured.” Sure. Or maybe they finally got the intern to figure out how to log into Coinbase. 🔐

No, You Cannot Buy Doge. Don’t Even Ask. 🚫🐶

Vanguard will support crypto ETFs and mutual funds that are “regulatory-compliant.” Which is Wall Street-speak for “won’t make the SEC come after us with subpoenas like we’re a Ponzi scheme.” So things like Bitcoin and Ethereum get a pass. But anything remotely fun or ironic? Denied.

Memecoins are out. That’s right – no Dogecoin, no Shiba Inu, no PepeCoin (though honestly, that last one might be classified as a war crime anyway). The SEC has labeled them “higher-risk,” which is surprising, because last I checked, all crypto was “higher-risk.” But apparently, laughing at a frog is riskier than betting your life savings on a whitepaper written in Comic Sans. 🐸💸

And while Vanguard has no plans to launch its own crypto products – shocker – they do want to “serve millions of investors with diverse needs and risk profiles.” Which is corporate for: “We don’t like it, but you’re doing it anyway, so we might as well process the trades and take our cut.” 🤷‍♂️💼

So congrats, Vanguard. You waited until the parade was 90% over, the floats were deflating, and the free snacks were gone… but hey, at least you showed up. 🎉📉

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2025-12-02 06:19