Walmart’s Onepay: Crypto, Cash, and Capitalism 🤑

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Behold, comrades! Onepay, the fintech offspring of Walmart, dares to venture into the wild realm of cryptocurrency trading and custody, all within the confines of its humble app. By year’s end, the proletariat shall trade their digital coins with the same ease as buying a discounted toaster. 🛒✨

Crypto Meets the Aisle of Capitalism

The fintech firm Onepay, a majority-owned puppet of Walmart, has decided to spice up its digital offerings by introducing cryptocurrency trading and custody. This bold move, slated for later this year, is a desperate attempt to become the “everything app” for the financially starved masses. 🌍💸

According to CNBC, the initial crypto menu will feature the sacred bitcoin (BTC) and the ethereal ether (ETH). To pull off this digital heist, Onepay has partnered with the enigmatic startup Zerohash, which will handle the custody of these precious assets. By allowing users to hold their crypto within the app, Onepay bridges the gap between the digital underworld and the mundane world of grocery shopping. 🛍️🔗

Imagine, dear reader, converting your hard-earned bitcoin into cold, hard cash to buy a pack of discounted socks at Walmart. Or, better yet, paying off your credit card debt with ether! The possibilities are as endless as the aisles of a superstore. 🧦💳

The Great American Super App Race

Since its birth in 2021, Onepay has been on a relentless march to mimic the overseas super apps like WeChat. This fintech upstart now boasts a suite of services fit for a capitalist overlord: high-yield savings accounts, credit and debit cards, buy now, pay later (BNPL) loans, and even wireless phone plans. 📱💰

Diving into crypto is not just a fad but a survival tactic, as every self-respecting finance app-Venmo, Cash App, and even the mighty Paypal-has already boarded the crypto train. Onepay, however, has a trick up its sleeve: it’s already the 5th most popular free finance app on Apple’s App Store, outranking giants like JPMorgan Chase, Robinhood, and Chime. And this is before the crypto launch! 🚀📈

The real ace in Onepay’s deck is its unholy alliance with Walmart. With its app integrated into the checkout process at Walmart’s U.S. stores, Onepay has direct access to 150 million weekly shoppers. It’s like having a front-row seat to the greatest capitalist spectacle on Earth. 🛒🎪

With its broad product suite, crypto capabilities, and retail dominance, Onepay is poised to become a titan in the U.S. digital finance arena. But will it liberate the masses or just tighten the chains of consumerism? Only time-and the market-will tell. ⏳⚖️

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2025-10-03 21:03