In the face of nature’s wrath, the Jamaican people-descendants of maroons and sly merchants alike-turned to Jack Dorsey’s so-called “decentralized” app Bitchat, as if Bluetooth could outwit a hurricane 😂. As Hurricane Melissa danced her destructive waltz across the Caribbean, the islanders clung to their phones like sailors to rum, downloading Bitchat in droves to bypass the internet’s fickle whims.
This marvel of modern engineering, which promises encrypted whispers via Bluetooth mesh networks, now perches at No. 2 on Jamaica’s app charts-a feat rivaled only by Zoom Earth, the weather oracle. Thus, the Jamaican soul reveals its priorities: survival demands both forecasts and frantic texts 📵. Two million eight hundred thousand souls, now united by Bluetooth and desperation.
CNN, that paragon of impartiality, reported 30 souls claimed by Melissa’s fury-23 in Haiti, where even hurricanes play favorites 🌪️. Homes crumbled, businesses vanished, and the region’s infrastructure groaned like an old slave ship in a storm.
Once, decentralized apps were the refuge of rebels and conspiracy theorists, fleeing censorship or the clutches of corporate overlords. Now, they are salvation for those whose internet falters when the sky turns vengeful. Bitchat, once a niche tool, now hums with the urgency of a prayer 🔥.
Nepal, too, found solace in Bitchat last September, as governments banned social media to quell protests. Indonesia followed, Madagascar too-all proving that when power cuts or protests flare, Bluetooth becomes the new water cooler 🛌. Meanwhile, the EU, ever the bureaucratic storm, plots to dismantle encryption, claiming they’ll “spot child abuse” while trampling privacy. Germany, that noble skeptic, scoffed, calling it unconstitutional. Progress! 🤷♂️
The EU’s “Chat Control” law, now postponed until December, teeters between madness and megalomania. Will they learn from Jamaica’s tempest? Or will they drown in their own red tape? Only time-and perhaps another hurricane-will tell 🕰️.
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2025-10-30 02:55