Key Takeaway
Tyler Winklevoss—he of Olympian brow and bulging wallet—declares JPMorgan’s latest financial escapade will send crypto and its devotees straight to the poorhouse, not to mention causing indigestion in consumer rights’ dining room. 🍽️
JPMorgan Chase, the titanic institution that serves both as kingmaker and killjoy in American finance, has sprayed yet another squirt of lemon juice into the collective eye of fintech society.
Jamie Dimon vs. open banking
Jamie Dimon, who surely never met an open door he didn’t wish to slam, is seizing upon potential regulatory shifts as an opportunity to bestow hefty tolls upon the cash-strapped travelers of fintech, particularly those who have the audacity to desire, well, data.
Frightful news for dear Plaid and its crypto chums—Gemini, Coinbase, Kraken—who find themselves threatened with a feat of fiscal suffocation worthy of the Inquisition, but with more PowerPoint presentations.
Leading the chorus of condemnation is Tyler Winklevoss, who ponders if “competition” now means: bring a butter knife to JPMorgan’s sword fight.
“JPMorgan and the banksters are trying to kill fintech and crypto companies.”
Once, the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau’s “Open Banking Rule” offered the masses free access to their accounts through enterprising little apps. A small miracle, or at least a satisfactory convenience.
If repealed, expect JPMorgan to slap a price tag on every digital handshake between bank and app, transforming free love—for data—into an exorbitant romance paid by the hour.
As expected, Winklevoss damned this as regulatory capture—a strategy where banks pen the rules, then charge you to borrow their ink. ✒️
JPMorgan defends itself
JPMorgan, clutching its pearls, insists the fees are a necessary bulwark against the deluge of digital cup-bearers clamoring at its gates—most, it claims, delivering empty goblets.
With the poise of a Roman senator defending his right to the orgy, spokesperson Pusateri told Forbes,
“We receive nearly two billion monthly requests for customer data from middlemen, and more than 90 percent of those are unrelated to a consumer using fintech services.”
Critics, not to be outquoted, mutter knowingly about regulatory capture—a term now uttered in fintech salons with the same gusto as “pass the salt!”
Winklevoss slams Dimon’s ‘anti-crypto agenda’
JPMorgan, for its part, claims it is simply tidying up. Observers, meanwhile, lock their wallets and clutch their pearls, suspecting it’s all a cunning attempt by old financial aristocracy to keep the rabble at bay.
Winklevoss, smelling the faint whiff of conspiracy and missed yacht payments, opined:
“Jamie Dimon and his cronies are trying to undercut President Trump’s mandate to make America the pro innovation and the crypto capital of the world. We must fight back!”
Hinting darkly that Gemini’s recent unceremonious boot from JPMorgan’s guest list was less “business decision” and more “off with his head,” Winklevoss continues to rattle the cage.
He thundered:
“Sorry Jamie Dimon, we’re not going to stay silent. We will continue to call out this anti-competitive, rent-seeking behavior and immoral attempt to bankrupt fintech and crypto companies.”
JPMorgan’s pro-crypto move
All this melodrama and, lo!—JPMorgan itself is flirting with crypto, reportedly offering loans backed by its clients’ digital coins. As it turns out, “anti-crypto” might simply mean “no free rides”—unless you’ve got collateral made of cyberspace.
It’s less a war, it seems, and more a poorly rehearsed lovers’ quarrel—shots fired one minute, bouquets exchanged the next. 💐
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2025-07-27 20:25