Oh. My. God. So, SoFi, as in, the bank that wants to be your everything, has decided to get into crypto. As if managing my checking account, student loans, and increasingly desperate attempts at investing weren’t enough, now they want a piece of the Bitcoin pie. 🙄 Apparently, they’re the first FDIC-insured national bank to do this. Which, let’s be honest, probably means someone else was too sensible.
They’re calling it “SoFi Crypto” – very imaginative, guys. Very. You can now buy, sell, and hold (as if any of us are actually holding for the long term…it’s more like holding onto a sinking ship, amirite? 📉) things like Bitcoin, Ethereum, and Solana. Because apparently, regular banking wasn’t risky enough.
And, naturally, it’s all in the same app. Because why have separate apps for ruining different areas of your financial life? Efficiency, I suppose. It’s like they’re saying, “Here! A convenient one-stop shop for existing AND potential financial ruin!” 🙃
The rollout started today, November 11, 2025 (a date that feels…significant, but I can’t quite place why 🤔). It’ll be gradually opened up to everyone else. Giving us all time to have a full-blown panic attack, naturally.
You can apparently just use money from your completely-safe-and-FDIC-insured account to fund these…ventures. Which is reassuring. In a deeply unsettling way. Like putting a band-aid on a broken leg.
They even have “education” about crypto in the app! Which is excellent, because honestly, anyone who understands blockchain probably isn’t relying on a mainstream bank for their crypto needs. It’s good to know there’s guidance for us newbies…and for those who’ve lost all their money already. 🥲
Apparently, crypto ownership has doubled this year. Which either means a lot of people are making smart investments, or…well, I don’t want to think about the other option. SoFi says people prefer trading via banks rather than those sketchy exchanges. Which is perfectly logical. If you’re going to be exploited, you might as well do it with someone you’ve already given all your personal information to, right? 🤷♀️
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2025-11-13 06:54