Behold, a $10 million cosmic class-action settlement has descended upon us like a confused asteroid, courtesy of a data breach so monumental it could make the universe question its own filing system. 🌌
In the grand tradition of humanity’s greatest achievements (and blunders), Nelnet-a company that apparently treats “data security” as a suggestion-suffered a cyberattack in August 2022. Bonus points: they also run a web portal and payment system for others. Because nothing says “trustworthy” like outsourcing your incompetence. 💸
The breach, allegedly, exposed 2.5 million souls’ sensitive info. Names? Check. Addresses? Check. Social Security numbers? Oh, absolutely. Because what better way to start the day than by handing strangers your life’s secrets? 🤷♂️
Victims can now claim up to $5,000… if they can prove their losses were directly caused by the breach. Good luck explaining to the universe how your existential dread translates to dollars. 🧾
The lawsuit, filed in Nebraska (the middle of nowhere, metaphorically and literally), accused Nelnet of a veritable buffet of legal sins: negligence, breach of confidence, invasion of privacy, and “unjust enrichment.” Because nothing says “fair play” like profiting from chaos. 🎭
Nelnet, OSLA, and Edfinancial deny all allegations with the enthusiasm of a toddler denying cookie theft. They claim they’d “prevail” if forced to litigate, but opted to settle because, well, courtrooms are expensive and uncertain. Priorities! 🧑⚖️
Claims must be submitted by March 5th, because even the universe needs deadlines. Opt-out forms? Also due then. Final approval hearing: May 5th. Because why let justice drag out when you can turn it into a three-day weekend? 🗓️
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2026-01-17 19:28