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On the eve of momentous news (or yet another fireside chat, which sometimes passes for news in crypto circles), Robinhood shouted on X about how Ethereum’s own Vitalik Buterin, Johann Kerbrat (lord of Robinhood Crypto), and A.J. Warner from that mystical cabal, Offchain Labs, would gather like Russian uncles with strong tea—only with more blockchain jargon—on Monday. Picture a samovar, only it dispenses crypto press releases.

This little tumble followed Bitcoin [BTC] itself having a classic meltdown to $99k. Why the sudden case of the vapors? Well, global politics and a few missiles will do that: Israel-Iran bickering and the U.S. lobbing bombs around sent everyone running for cover, including your friendly neighborhood crypto projects.

“It has become amazing. I mean, it is the jobs that it produces, and I notice more and more you pay in Bitcoin. People are saying it takes a lot of pressure off the dollar, and it is a great thing for our country.”

– The Donald, with more coins than sense

Imagine the contemporary trader: a modern Bazarov, though instead of botany, he obsesses over allocation charts. With every market swoon, the so-called “stablecoins” balloon like an aunt on her fourth serving of vareniki, reaching nearly 30% of portfolios in a sell-off. Meanwhile, crypto’s old souls—Bitcoin and Ethereum—maintain their stolid vigil at the 50% mark, come rain, shine, or total Twitter meltdown. One almost expects an NFT of Arkady to appear, quietly reading allocation breakdowns.

Of course, market watchers are embroiled in the usual philosophical divide: Is this a healthy “retracement”—or, as the optimists say, “a little stretch before the next sprint”? Or is it the financial equivalent of trying to glue a broken vase with tears and hope? Analyst Ali Martinez, ever the cheerful harbinger, has announced ONDO is departing the luxury penthouse of its ascending channel, now plummeting rapidly through the metaphorical basement window. When professional chart squigglers say “bearish signal,” they mean “pack an umbrella, it’s going to rain wallets.”

In Capo’s world, Solana currently finds itself bouncing against a resistance so stubborn, you’d think it was built by dwarfs on strike. The last time Solana faced this height? Last month, which in crypto time is basically ancient history or, as some prefer, pre-Lunch.

The missive to the SEC details Bakkt’s intention to issue everything from common stock and preferred stock to sundry debt instruments and warrants—a veritable ball of securities, where no invitation is withheld, and everyone waits for the next quadrille. This “shelf registration,” as it is so cleverly named, provides Bakkt the liberty to court the market’s favor at their convenience, darting in and out according to the financial weather—how very becoming.

In 2025, the use of AI in blockchain transactions has significantly increased by 86%, as reported by DappRadar on Thursday. This increase involves approximately 4.5 million distinct wallets engaging daily with AI-centered decentralized applications (DApps).

Friday, that day of financial judgement, promises to be a veritable circus. According to the ever-persuasive Jean-David Péquignot at Deribit, $40 billion worth of BTC options are up for expiry, 38% of them teetering on the brink, like debutantes at their first disappointing dance. “Max pain” — that most deliciously sadistic phrase — is set at $102,000. And what, pray tell, is the put/call ratio? A dainty 0.73. What does it mean? Certainly everything, and definitely nothing!

This week, Dr. Cat unleashed his summer forecast, which is either an invitation to buy an island or burn your wallet for warmth. “If BTC hits a daily high between June 25-27, but it’s a lower high—a lower low should follow,” he proclaimed, as if reading constellations on a Ouija board. Basically, if Bitcoin doesn’t outshine its mediocre cousin from last week, it might just swan-dive into darkness until you start drinking iced coffee out of a shoe.